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Definitely obsessive compulsive, possibly sociopathic.

the reason I am posting this message is because I've become quite obsessed with trying to figure exactly what makes me tick. It may not be totally "out there" for a person to be interested in why they do the things they do or to question their function in life (hell that's why people invent and follow a million different religions and lifestyles) but lately it has grown to the point where I feel I should ask an expert.

Now, to give you some background on who I am and what I think I know of myself I'll tell you the conclusions I have reached through self-diagnoses.

I definitely, without a shadow of a doubt, have obsessive compulsive disorder. I use to be plagued by much more extreme obsessive compulsive behavior as a child (I did tapping, kept all my school papers, pencils, pens, trash that I literally FELT just needed to be kept and other things, I use arrange things in certain places and was prone to bursts of rage if someone touched them) but these days I pretty much just do a lot of tapping and have thoughts and feelings that I just HAVE to do something or something bad may happen to me. I have for the most part accepted this and have excellent self-control in social environments to conceal this problem.

The second diagnosis I have come to is a possibility of having APD but this is something I am sure needs the opinion of a qualified individual. I reached this conclusion after reading about sociopaths and relating with the mindset of one. As a child I tortured animals although I didn't feel that it was torture and really still don't other than the fact that it meets the logical definition of torture. I use to choke my dog because I liked the fact that when I did I made him stick his tongue out, I use to bind my pet hamsters in string (don't know why) and only stopped after being bitten and having blood drawn. I would set small fires in a pot and just toss different forms of fuel in to see if there would be differences in the flame, of course I also just wanted to burn things. I would and still do lie constantly and not only do I enjoy manipulating others but have become extremely adept at it. I am highly intelligent (Genius level IQ and tempted to join the illinois chapter of Mensa to tap into the resource of intellectual contacts) and excel at any areas of interest I delve into but I constantly become quickly bored and end up moving on. This causes me to switch jobs often and even caused me to drop out of high school only to go back to college and now I am getting bored with that but stick it through to avoid the bills. I engage in several different acts of crime such as theft, fraud, underage drinking, marijuana use, a few justifiable acts of assault, etc and I am actually majoring in criminal justice with a minor in psychology just to give myself more tools for added proficiency. I plan on joining the military because the lifestyle seems attractive to me and the idea of being able to kill someone without legal consequence interests me although I wouldn't commit such an act otherwise.

I feel no guilt or remorse for criminal acts I committed or the manipulation of others but I do seek to help people and this is where I am confused. I feel that I need to change the world, help people unite and become stronger in all aspects (physical, mental, emotional, spiritual) and take themselves to what could be thought of as the next stage in human evolution but this seems to suggest the possibility of empathy which is a mark against being a sociopath. Also, although I do not feel truly strong feelings towards my family or all but one friend I would destroy anyone who hurt them. Is this true empathy or is it rooted in some form of self-centered-ness? I have cried at funerals but because it was the appropriate response, I have cried alone because I knew the circumstances I was in would be considered terrible. I have thought I was in love but then easily dismissed the person as no one important as soon as the relationship ended (relationships that I put a lot of attention into in the beginning but then grew tired of quickly).

So, with all that said, am I a sociopath?

Re: Definitely obsessive compulsive, possibly sociopathic.

Alias
So, with all that said, am I a sociopath?


You are a human being. That much I can say with complete confidence and without needing a PhD of any kind.

I find it curious that so many psychopaths and suspected psychopaths and people who believe they are psychopaths but aren't are drawn to this website. I guess that is at least in part a testimony to Dr. Robert's kinder, gentler approach. Even the heartless and the want to be heartless are drawn in, aren't they? That would suggest that they want to interact, which means that on some level, they want to be understood and to understand, which would negate the idea that they are completely heartless, wouldn't it?

Alias, you may not be able to hear this now and that is fine, but labeling yourself as sick probably won't be as helpful to you as you might think. And since this is what you asked for, I for one do not think you are a sociopath. Per Dr. Robert's own definition, a psychopath/sociopath is one who does not have a conscience at all. Presumably, those who do not have a conscience would not in any way be interested in helping others. Why would they if they are blocked from seeing other people as genuinely significant as themselves? More importantly though, as I said, you are a human. That's the best label you can stick yourself with, if you have to stick yourself with one at all. Root yourself in something bigger than your own intellectual preoccupations. It might ease the endless self analysis, which can grow uncomfortable when carried on too long, as I have learned all too well. Once you do, you may discover, as I did, that there is more to life than finding the perfect label for yourself and you might even be happier to boot.

Re: Definitely obsessive compulsive, possibly sociopathic.

Hmmm...I appreciate the response and I see your point but I still feel it necessary to answer back at a few things and maybe even pose a question or two.

First thing I'd like to address is something small and it is the comment about labeling myself sick. I just want to make it clear that I don't really see being a sociopath as being sick, I actually think that in many ways it is an advantage (a possibly genetic one to boot)and I'm mostly just curious if I potentially have this "disorder" because it would explain why I have felt the way I felt my entire life. Looking back at being the kid with a thousands masks, manipulating classmates and teachers alike. A child that didn't flinch when his own father was struck with a massive seizure and simply watched as others rushed to his aid. It would explain why even now I look at people and can know how to use their emotions against them but not really understand why they are so easily controlled by them. It would just be information that would really put another piece of the puzzle in place for me.

Now, the juicer point which is also the one I really wanted some answers to was that of my conflict between my opinions of most people being weak, fragile and in many ways just plain disgusting and then wanting to help these people meet a higher standard of existing. You see, on one hand I thought that by raising the bar in all aspects of living was just the next logical progression for the human race on the other hand I'm not sure if I only believe that because I want people to meet MY standard and if so why?

With all that said I'd just like to add that I do not seek to label myself because I honestly believe that I cannot be labeled by anything other than my name and as my tag on this forum suggest, even that can be changed. I only seek answers to questions that make me better understand myself and my actions and give me a greater, more broad outlook on my life and it's potential courses.

Re: Definitely obsessive compulsive, possibly sociopathic.

Alias,

I used the word sick deliberately to point out that the terms psychopath and sociopath refer to what most people consider a pathological way of being with other people. The pathology part is something I think people forget in their rush to diagnose themselves as psychopaths. And I am not suggesting that you are doing that Alias. Just the opposite in fact. You are not saying you are a sociopath, you are inquiring. It’s just that the desire by some to embrace this label boggles my mind, that’s all.

You speak of explanations… What would you do with an explanation for your past and present behavior? Do you think you would be happier, healthier, more effective at living a life you love… what? This is a real question. I’m not being facetious.

As for your question in the second paragraph, perhaps you want to meet your standards and have failed to do so. It is even possible that on some deep level you see yourself as “weak, fragile, and in many ways just plain disgusting”. It has been my observation that our opinion of others is connected to and very often reflects our opinion of ourselves. For instance, some psychopaths see others as out to hurt them, in part, because they are out to hurt others. I can see why you might think that other humans are weak, fragile and disgusting. But since you said you wanted a broader outlook, can you also see why I might think of humans as strong, adaptable and in many ways, just plain wonderful?

On another front, I am sure you have noticed that humanity just isn’t bothering to even attempt to meet your standards. Score one for reality and zero for you. Has holding on to beliefs about what other people should be and do helped you at all? If so, how?

Alias
I do not seek to label myself because I honestly believe that I cannot be labeled by anything other than my name and as my tag on this forum suggest, even that can be changed.


You sure about that? I’m thinking that you would not have asked in the first place if this were true.

I only seek answers to questions that make me better understand myself and my actions and give me a greater, more broad outlook on my life and it's potential courses.


A broader outlook is not to be had by understanding yourself in isolation of other people and the rest of the universe. Just when you think you have a handle on yourself, you’ll notice, if you are being honest with the man in the mirror, that you don’t. Just when you think you have arrived, you’ll see that you haven’t, and the chase will begin again. You’ll be like a dog chasing his own tail. And that, by the way, is fine if that is how you want to live your life.

Re: Definitely obsessive compulsive, possibly sociopathic.

You bring up several good points (which is why I came onto this forum to begin with) and you are definitely aiding me in my goal to better understanding.

To answer your first question I want explanations simply because I do. I'm sure there are some deep seated causes for my desire to know so much about myself and others but I really couldn't elaborate much farther than saying I'm curious.I don't think it would make me happier because I'm content as I am now and it certainly wouldn't make me healthier because I am not ill, now as for more effective at living a life I love, maybe, I mean a carpenter should know what tools he has for the job, right?

As for your second point about my standards, it is true that I strive to meet the higher limits of my potential. I push myself physically and have educated myself in exercise science, anatomy, kinesology and hold a NASM certification just to make sure I am getting the most out of my workouts, I am also a life long student of the martial arts and have attained two black belts and on my way for a third and still I find that there is room for improvement. Mentally, I am naturally gifted but still try to stay stimulated and further my education. So with all the said could it be inferred that maybe I want a lot out of myself? Yes. That is also why I expect more from others but instead I constantly meet people who are easy to push and pull, perhaps because they have no motivation to push themselves.

As for your last paragraph, I am not attempting to understand myself in isolation in people (I'm here aren't I?) and I have a companion on this journey who I have much in common with and share a sort of symbiotic relationship with. I'm actually ok with being a dog chasing his tail because honestly I don't know what'd I do next if I actually caught it.

Re: Definitely obsessive compulsive, possibly sociopathic.

Wow Alias. I am glad that I could help you. You are helping me as well by giving me the opportunity to type these things out. I am speaking to myself as much as I am to you.

As you are obviously aware of, "Know Thyself" is a wise dictum, one that I live by as best I can. It makes sense that you'd want internal clarity. You could be very clear about what your personality traits and characteristics are without the overarching label of sociopath though, right? You could elucidate them and put your own unique interpretation on them, one that serves you and others. In my view, the personality traits, along with beliefs, drives, behavioral patterns and so on, are the tools while the label sociopath for instance would be the design or overall plan. You don't have a choice about the tools you have available to you, but you can choose how you wish to conceptualize what those traits add up to and what they mean to you and for your companion.

And may I say that your achievements are impressive! It sounds like you have been able to accomplish some amazing things. You must have tons of energy and boat loads of drive. I'd only ask what you are driving toward or away from. Where is all that drive taking you? Also, why would it matter if others are or are not meeting your expectations? Finally, to trot out an old cliché, you always find what you are looking for. Maybe it is easy to find people who are easy to push and pull precisely because you are regularly seeking that quality out in others on some level, which would say more about you and less about them. And that is fine if you say that works for you. I wouldn't find that outlook a key ingredient in the recipe for joy, but that's just me.

Alias
As for your last paragraph, I am not attempting to understand myself in isolation in people (I'm here aren't I?)


Touché. Then again, you can be surrounded by people and yet still feel isolated, especially when you are concerned about who other people should be or what they should do. I know when I do that the sense of alienation increases.

I have a companion on this journey who I have much in common with and share a sort of symbiotic relationship with.


Congratulations! I wish you and your companion much love and happiness!

I'm actually ok with being a dog chasing his tail because honestly I don't know what'd I do next if I actually caught it.


DING! DING! DING! What would you do without your search for yourself? Who would you be if you got to the end of the tail chasing and saw that you were not in fact better or worse than anyone else?

Re: Definitely obsessive compulsive, possibly sociopathic.

I don't think you have APD simply because of your desire to help others. I can't understand what is there to be gained by unselfish actions. Why would you care if others get stronger, unless you mean train them to be more useful to you. The way you describe your relationships also suggests that you do feel something for others but don't dwell on it, a logical reaction as there is nothing to be gained by wallowing.

A high intelligence means that you use your logic to understand things as opposed to emotions, you also realise how stupid the rules of society really are as there is no logical basis for so many things. "Social norms" are there to keep the stupid and weakminded cowards ashamed of being human. They also change based on the times so they have no basis on anything.

It's only natural to feel disgusted by weaklings, they are a waste of space, there to be used by others. Our whole society is psychopathic if you think about it. Do the corporations that run the world give a **** about workforce, if there were no consequences?

A good advice is to NEVER get diagnosed with APD. It accomplishes nothing and only labels you as a monster with no morals or conscience. (good luck feigning remorse if you ever do something that lands you in court) I don't even agree with the "disorder" part of it because a disorder suggests that there is a problem, there isn't. If you want psychological help because you think your actions hinder your life, seek it. Otherwise there is no point.

Re: Definitely obsessive compulsive, possibly sociopathic.

yeah. I know exactly what you're going through, Alias. You're not a sociopath.
You have OCD. Your worry that you're a socio is just another OCD worry. What it means is that you are about to come to the realization that a lot of the people you know have constantly failed to live up to your expectations. Hence, you hate them. But good people don't hate people, so you had to find a way to remove the affect from that particular conceit. (The one concerning the fact that so many people are weak sell-outs) So, instead of saying to yourself "people are ****ty, I hate them", you start worrying about whether or not you have APD (and the constant self-checking that goes along with it. I hated that part SO much.) and you say "I want to help these people".

You want to do something that makes you feel good. You claim to be intelligent. So write a book. Paint a picture, compose a song. Do something meaningful. Get into the zone. managing OCD is a really tough thing to do but realize that you are not entirely alone.