There is something wrong and different about me and I need to know what I am capable of doing so I can protect others and me. I don’t want to be a sociopath and I believe that even if I was I would try adapting in society like others do.
This is a short story of my life.
My mother got pregnant at the age of 17, although she was an honored student in a catholic school, she was depressed all the time and in one occasion tried took all her antidepressants and ended up in the hospital. She claims that all she wanted was to feel better and not to kill her self. When her mother found out she was pregnant, she forced her to leave the house because of the stigma a pregnancy carried back then. She became a single mother at 18 years old. After I was born we lived in couple different places, this until we were welcome back to my grandmother’s house. I think I was a normal baby or so I hear. My mom says that I didn’t cry too much and was loving. As a toddler I grew up with bunch of people. My grandmother, whom was strong, religious caring and loving; my mom, a hard working absent parent, whom I adored with every inch; my uncles that had not graduated out of school yet and still lived at home; a 5 year older orphan cousin, that was cold and cruel to people and animals; an aunt, that was very nice to me; and a grandfather, whom had an off and on relationship with my granny, was attentive to me, but had dark secrets…such as molesting his own daughters. I remember well as far as 3 years old and I think that other than not having a dad in my house; living with a bunch of different people; and my mom always away working, my life was OK until 5 or 6. Oh yeah…and the threats that Satan would take me away if I didn’t this or that begun to provoke nightmares that would go on until the age of 21. My mom got married and left when I was 7, she gave me the choice to stay with my grandmother whom I love dearly. At age 5, my 6 year old neighbor tough me about sex and how to hump clothed my 4 year old cousin, which we did until we got caught. At 6 I French kissed an older cousin and thought my mom was hot! Through out time I fondled with young girls until I was 15. I have a weird recollection of a man molesting me, I don’t know if this ever took place or I imagined it. I also heard from my aunt that in one occasion, my mom found the babysitter completely nude and she was doing something to me but, I can’t remember.
After 7 I remember that life was kind of weird, kids didn’t like to play with me, I tried not to get bullied, but I often did. I did enjoy trying to control games and trying to be number one when doing activities, but like I said I was not popular among kids. Plus, my grandmother would not let me have friends because she thought, friends were nothing but the road to perdition. Family and Jesus were my friends according to her. So, I was stuck with my very real imaginary friend, “Roy”, whom my family forced me to kick out cause they said he was a demon and not an imaginary friend. So, insects, lizards and my mean cousin that never wanted to play with me other than to beat me up where all I had to play with. Around this age I started to be parenting by everyone, my youngest uncle that still lived at home, my granny, cousin and everyone else. And I begun to experience physical and psychological abuse. Like bitten with belts and called names, I would get punished even for breaking a glass. My mom would come to visit once in a while, but she had affectionately withdrawn away from me completely. By the time I turned 8 she rejected my affection constantly. At this point I was very sad, I was given a hard time cause I didn’t smile anymore. I remember starting to hate everyone and wishing I was adopted. I could not longer relate to my family anymore and I had no friends, life sucked!
By 10 or 11, I started telling my grandmother every once in a while that I was going to die in my sleep. I was convinced of it, God was coming to take me.
I begun dissecting everything in my head, death, life, after-life, perfection, God and happiness. I became very distracted, always thinking and day-dreaming. At this point I had not killed anything, except a bug or two with a magnifying glass or plucking a wasp’s wings to see what would happen. I had gotten in couple feast fights and liked girls a lot, that according to my grandmother and mom made my dirty. I was very driven by girls, after all…boys were rude to me and girls very sweet.
At 13 I got expelled from school, got molested by a 23 year old man, tried beer and cigarettes and lost my virginity to a 25 year old woman. I was obsessed with her and would not leave her alone. Once we had sex I got over her fast. While in school I got in couple fights, could not pay attention in class cause wanted to get attention at all times. I wanted to be hot and popular and became the distracting clown and always in the look out for girls like any other teen I thought! I used to go as far as sticking my hands in a girl’s pants and blouse in the middle of the classroom every time we had class together. I thought it was so much fun!
At 14 I dropped out of school completely, started getting drunk, and hooking up with girls. Because I was always in the pursue for women, I thought that violent acts were immature and not cool, they did not look good to the older girls. I did get drunk once and broke 25 to 30 windows of around 20 different houses, threw rocks on peoples roofs, stole fruits out of trees from a private property and blew up **** with fire.
By 15 I had slept with a prostitute, I was abusing alcohol, smoking cigarettes, sleeping with more women, had already tried marijuana and I was staying out all night for days at the time, often. I begun a friendship with a guy that turned into sexual, I didn’t find him attractive but I wanted to get off so that‘s what I did, plus he had a car, food and a place to stay. I didn’t think I was bisexual at the time, just horny and it was OK as long as we didn‘t kiss or went to far. I kept hooking up with girls anyway.
During this time I was having lots of problems at home. I didn’t even have a bedroom, there was never food and the fights between my family were very hostile. I got 2 black eyes in different occasions by an uncle and had been abused and beaten for years. Then I started to believe that I was special because God had chose me to do something different. I believed I had special powers such as, mind-reading and sensing people. I was actually pretty good at reading people, specially women.
By 16 I felt in love with a girl that became mine. I thought she was beautiful and I adored her, and yet I hooked up with all her friends, I lied and cheated for years. We dated 4 years until I met someone else. I never felt loved enough by her, I just wanted her to be willing to die for me as I was willing to die for her.
At 17 I was doing nothing productive, just the girlfriend and the occasional going out to through eggs to people or smoking people’s houses with gun powder just have to have fun. By now I had been fired by every single job I had.
At 18 I traveled abroad in an attempt to do something out of my life. I did well under the strict supervision of a relative for a year and as soon as I got on my own, I went back to my irresponsible ways. However, by now I am starting to see the pattern, I am beginning to figure something is wrong, but don’t want to accept it yet. My self-esteem feels low and I feel as usual very lonely.
My drinking, getting fired from my jobs cause I am always late or not performing to the standard, cheating on the girls I supposedly care about and occasionally really bad temper goes on for few more years. By my late 20’s I have stolen money from the register of a cashier’s job several times, taken lots of loans that never paid off, used aliases to attempt to commit fraud, engaged on illegal activities for money, embezzled money from many people, affairs with married people, a huge list of women, years of alcohol and marijuana abuse, tried other drugs, manipulated people and situations to obtain what desired, among other fraudulent activities that I don’t feel at liberty to discuss here, etc. Well, I think the list goes on a little further, but the point is that I am not a model citizen. In one occasion I got a little drunk and made out with my sister and thanks God we were out in public cause made us stop there. The reality is that I seem not to have boundaries. Most of the time I try to respect people and life in general, but as soon as I want something it’s very hard to resist the impulse, specially if I am drunk. For example, I went through a spell when I enjoyed talking to people about uncomfortable subjects just to see how far could I pushed the buttons.
For years I have tried to figure out life and why I feel this deep void. Why I do what I do and my life is not like I wished it was. I have had 3 long term and many short term relation ships and yet all unsuccessful cause I never felt there was enough, always so needy and controlling, at times even verbally abusive. Unable to feel their love or devotion, always questioning their motives for being with me and sure they would cheat on my like they all had. Always trying beyond the limit to please them sexually and make them feel good so they stay. Always wishing they would take a bullet for our love. Hoping for the one that will surrender to me completely, and yet, I become an ******* when a girl does. Even when I tried to rationalize that I need to be kind and loving, I seem to be fuel by the feeling I get when I am rejected, instead of accepting the nice sweet and devoted love.
Currently I am going to treatment cause I have had homicidal and unwanted thoughts and images that very well can put me in jail. The truth is that I have always dreamed with conquering and fixing the world, sometimes killing everyone as a solution. I even admired Hitler’s conquering and manipulation skills at some point. At times I have fantasize of how I would beat the **** out of someone just to teach’em how to respect others. I have wanted people to regret not allying with me and superios. At times I feel this disgust for people, cause they are bunch of hypocrites and act like they are escempt of guilt, but they go around ******* peoples life’s like they ****ed mine. Selfish *******s incapable of true love!
Nowdays I don't care about being chaming. Most of people are boring except for the initial 5 minutes when you start talking, unless they have something I want it is very boring. I have good friends that I don’t want nothing from, but to just have good conversation and a good time…which that involves a lot of my talking and I love to talk about my thoughts. Usually I don’t get too bored, I always find something to do and when I am bored I just “think“ and “day-dream“, I am always thinking non-stop anyway. At times I look in to the mirror and appreciate how beautiful I am, other times I think I am kind of ugly. When I do this I see an empty shell, like if my body does not belong to me. I used to do this a lot when I was a teen, but now I think it’s narccissistic and don’t do it as often. My therapist thinks I show remorse and it is true, I regret so many things. I wish my life was perfect, just like when ambitioned it as a kid, now I have all this life ugly marks that show imperfection. All those mistakes I have that make me far from perfect...yuck! I do feel remorse for the people I have mistreated and taken advantage of in life. Unfortunately, I keep making the same mistakes.
The wrong thing pops in my head all the time, such as how to do fraud or take something that does not belong to me, perhaps even scalping someone. I believe those are unwanted bad thoughts and don‘t want to end up in jail. Other that taken money in few occasion I have never stolen from people and I do try to do the right thing. It gets complicated when I have to honor my responsibilities cause there is when I seem to forget and end up avoiding duties for fun. That is when I end up using others and they help me with what I have neglected. Lots of women have helped me and I think is not manipulation, but their desire.
I want to be normal and I want to stop mimicking or mirroring people. However, I am afraid that the real me is a monster and I need to keep him away at all cost.
Hopefully I will be able to stay focused, humble and in control. I am tired of the life style I have had, it has amounted to nothing.
I know that I always relied on my charm to get what I wanted, but for a while now I have been tired of that. I want what I can earn and be proud of it. I want to show me I am capable and I can defeat what ever is that is holding me back.
My friends know me as peace and love guy, you know like…Jesus or Gandhi. I wonder if that is my façade, such a good façade that I my self believe it. Perhaps deep inside I want to kill people and destroy humanity or become that serial killer my mind tells me I am. I think is so unfair, cause whatever it is, I know I have a problem and I don’t want it.
I am trying to not be the guy have been, so I can have a more chilled life than I had the past 20 years. Just wonder if I could over come my bad thoughts. It’s like been divided by 3, one persona is evil and tell me I am evil and evil I ought to do; the other tells me “no“, that I am not evil and God loves me; and the third is me, the one always in between this cascade of bad and crazy thoughts, torn and divided between the good and evil. Just wish I could find my innate personality, hoping that it is good.
Would not mind to have some of our opinions!!
"Deciding and defining yourself is an act of existential courage. Only you can decide who you are."
Yes. Well said. One certainly can listen to the opinions of others, and hearing informed views may help in arriving at some reasonable kind of self-understanding, but eventually it does come down to being oneself.
Another good letter, Daniel. After receiving Mr. Saint's original letter to "ask dr-robert," I suggested that he post it here instead of expecting a reply from me because I have wearied of replying to letters from "psychopaths" asking me to confirm or invalidate their self-diagnoses. Your reply was helpful--at least in my view--and I hope he will receive more useful opinions as well.
Actually, unless you are absolutely, absolutely sure of whatever you're feeling, I would not even try to self-diagnose myself. The human psyche is really complex and instead of sticking labels to yourself, why not just simply look at your feelings , thoughts and actions and then work out from there?
Like: why am I feeling this way, what is the reason for these feelings? How can I avoid this situation in the future? Can I do something about my thoughts and actions so they become gradually more positive? And so on. I've only read part of your post but you seem fairly desperate and even distressed. Perhaps someone here could offer tips on how to "disconnect" yourself from your emotions, so you can look at yourself a bit more clearly.
Btw, self-diagnosing your mental situation is akin to picking up the DSM IV manual and going "Hmmm... I think I match that so I might be bipolar, psychotic or something else". Hence why I put little credit into many of those "online diagnostic tests or articles" because all too often, the authors have no clue on what they're talking about or their writings could be easily misinterpreted.
Well, based on behavior through out the years one could say that it is sociopathic conduct. It seems that although I go through episodes of guilt, it does not stick well enough to prevent me from doing what I shouldn't. All I know is that at the end of the day, everytime I thought I would come on top, sooner or later I lost. There was a time I could have gone to jail for neglecting responsibilities and keeping lots of money. After that I realized how vulnerable I could be, and all because of my behavior. My life has not been the same ever since. My confidence hit the bottom. Until then I was like a wolf dressed in a sheep's custom. Always with an agenda and a know it all. I decided to be as honest as possible to stay out of trouble, which is hard as hell. The problem started when I begun to have homocidal thoughts and started gettin fraked out, so I research the internet, and after a hospitalization and over a year and half I ended up here. At the hospital they told me I was not a sociopath, however I do not believe one can evalutate a patient in minutes. My therapist believes I have really bad OCD and perhaps bipolar. I am trying to change my patterns, which is very hard and I would like to know more about how to cope with me and my destructive behavior.
When somthing hurts you want to know what is the problem to find the cure. Like in my case I would like to find out what is my problem to find a solution and stay from jail or the news...and of course not to harm someone.
Tomorrow I have an appointment with the therapist.
Just a late reply. Normals(like me and you) tend to have various levels of guilt and empathy for different subjects, you know. If guilt is fleeting, it just means you care less about certain things. Your reaction points out that you probably are overcome with apathy in life and because there is little to nothing you care for and/or believe in, the connections to this world and the people in it are slim. Therefore, you're just an outsider, looking in. Perhaps that may be why you can do all these things that have an impact on others as well as yourself?
And perhaps deep down inside, you want to be something different and want to put a stop to this behaviour, that's why you feel so artificial? Or perhaps, you just feel alienated from everything.
Sounds to me like you're desperately trying to make the label fit you. Why? Do you have a need to belong or something? To be accepted for who you think you are?
Oh and if you posted here, it just means you want help, or at least some sympathetic attention to your problems.
And yes, people like to find "solutions", even if the solution isn't the correct one. It's very easy to get side-tracked and convince yourself you're staring at Problem A when the situation could be Problems B and C.
I like your second comment Dee. I think it could be useful to Saint. And Saint, have you done the research? Dee’s right. You don’t want to bother trying to shoehorn yourself into a pejorative label. You want accuracy and clarity. That’s the only way you will be able to adjust what you believe needs adjusting. I had a longish debate with someone about the usefulness of diagnostic labels last year on Sociopathworld.com and I won’t bother repeating any of that here other than to say this. Labels like “sociopath” are useful, but only up to a point. Past that, and it becomes needlessly limiting and even potentially misleading, especially outside of a clinical or institutional setting. You run the risk of thinking that you have to start living up to stereotypes rather than looking at what really makes you tick and what really makes you smile. I have actually ran across commenters who wanted to know what a sociopath would do and when I turned it around and invited the person to ask himself what he wanted, he became annoyed with me. That is the kind of ridiculousness you want to steer clear of. But, you say you are talking to your therapist soon, so why not just point blank ask him/her if you fit the sociopathic label? And if you don’t trust his/her advice, then go find someone you can trust.
Thank you for taking the time to reply!!! I really apreciate what you have said!!!
Dee, I feel that you described me to my size. I go back and forth thinkink I am not a sociopath and then I think I am. I don't like to hurt animals or never did, as a matter fact I have rescued animals. I do cry when movies are sad and did cry when 9/11. I am going to try to write the same letter I did, but positive and with good qualities to see what happens. I'll let you all know how my appointment with therapist went!
You don't go with labels, ever, unless they offer information and research into your state of mind that could be helpful. You think about your responses, your thoughts, etc. and take some time off every now and then to examine them. You might just discover new things about yourself that you weren't aware of before. You can also try to read books that you don't normally read, try to think about things from other perspectives. You don't have to go out and try to be someone different but you can explore yourself in a myriad of ways. There are so many things to try(just on the net alone and even in life) and of course your entire process of evolving will take years and most likely, a lifetime.
It's my experience that people love to look at you via "rose-tinted glasses". The minute they put a label on you, they're no longer looking at you as a person but as an object, a stereotype which they have reduced to imageries, words and numbers.
As Daniel's said, it can be easy to try and force someone(yourself or anyone) into a stereotype. The best is not to depend just on what someone said/wrote about another person but to look at said person's intentions and then, decide on a course of action if you agree or disagree with their actions. Because more than once, I've found that once I put someone into a stereotype, they may start to behave according to those "expectations". And of course, one can also apply that concept to themselves(Do I agree or disagree with my intentions? What can I do if I do or don't?). =) And if you start behaving to a stereotype, there's only disaster awaiting for you. Same if you force stereotypes onto others. So, accept yourself and move on.
Btw, I've been through a couple of counsellers(8 to 10 or more?) and most of them were terrible. So if you think that your therapist is awesome, good for you and make sure you keep him/her.
And your self-esteem is probably low 'cos of course, your acts reflect upon you and have an impact upon you.
Okay, writing this in a rush since I gotta rush.
See Ya! :)
Just wanted to say thanks for the replies. I have gone through out my life trhough many episodes and this one has been one of the most difficults just because my brain has turned finally against me and wants to destroy me. Not really, but that is how I feel about it. I have learned that whatever is that is going to save me has to come from the inside out. But, I don't know exactly to produce that. My friend said "if I could give you that, that you need I would give it to you'. When he said that with so much honesty I cried and hugged him. I feel like I have always dislike my self and always tried to be different that I am. People have at many times thought that I am very cool, but I don't cause for a very long time I had put on a facade. Now that I am in my mid 30's I want to be only my self and since I have pretended and disliked me for a long time I am having a hard time of finding out who I am. I guess the label would make it easy for me. But, you guys are right, labels are not healthy. I guess we never find who we are, we just find out who we were and since my life has been a wreck I hate my guts. Perhaps it is time to work on today, so I don't hate my self tomorrow. Thank you everyone!!!
Just know one thing, Im sure people destined to become serial killers dont know that, and certainly wouldn't worry about becoming a Serial Killer. :)
And I if you beleive what Christians say then God Loves everybody, including people born without Empathy. But something for people that beleive in God to think about, If there is a all-loving god then what about hyenas? I mean Hyenas disembowl their victims, a HORRIBLE way to die so If god created animals he created them so why created them to do that?
Is it just me on here or does John S stray away from the subject a bit?