I have been in a relationship with my actual partner (we are lesbians) for 11 years and I have never before felt jealous and worried about she leaving me. Some months ago she met another woman at work who I know for sure she was attracted to. I know it because we work together and I saw, repeteadly, the two of them interacting, and because I asked to my partner. At firts she denied it, but after insisting, she confesed she was attracted to her. She also said that at first she was very attracted to her, but that now she only liked her in a not dangerous way. When I first knew it, I started to behave very jeaously, meaning getting very mad every time I saw them talking, feeling the most painful fear I have never felt and trying to control each of my partner movements. We have talked about it and I am trying to understand that she just want to be fiends with her, but it is very hard to me. I know she loves me and I want to trust her, but it is hard to me.
That girl doesn´t work at our company anymore and this is a relieve to me. However, I know they keep in contact, even though my partner denies it (I know because I have checked her cell phone).
I' m very worried about my behaviour. I´m becaming a person that I don´t even recognize. Possesive, lost, hurt and with a lack of confidence. I´m afraid of overwhelming my partner and of her leaving me.
Maybe somebody can help me with this.
this is what i do. i have felt jealous, since im possessive and selfish, but i have overcome them. have a read at this, and if you are cold enough, you can be happier. but im a man, and im straight. i don't know if this applies to you since you are a woman (more emotional than logical) lesbian (i dont know what turns on or off a lesbian)
im writing this just by the things you have written, but if you can be more specific, tell more about you and her, etc i could be more specific too.
this only applies to people who have "options" as in your case.
this advice DOES NOT apply if you are a couple that have never had another partner, insecure and unattractive, because then you will be a happy couple cause in your head its the emotion "no one could ever love me cause im pathetic, so this must be the one for me"
i will be cold with you, but its for the best. accept what its happening.
jealous is an insecurity that can start when you love a lot someone.
MISTAKE #1. you don't have to love someone more than she loves you. love its a balance.
well, im pretty sure you made that mistake. maybe in your perspective you say "no, but she says that she loves me, blah blah" but maybe think that not as much as you. in fact, try that the balance is in your favor. try to make her love a little more than you and it feels great.
you start to be dependent of her since you love her so much.
MISTAKE #2 your partner has in her head this thinking of "i have her eating on my hand" and as humans, we are attracted to unpredictable people, things that we don't have, so at the first moment she sees an attractive girl, she will try to go for her, since she knows that happens what happens, you will be there for her. (im i wrong? would you stop loving her if she cheats or leaves you?)
now in my head there are like 30 mistakes that you have made. but i think you got the point. don't blame your partner for cheating. never. you have what you deserve.
Now, the good news. how to stop feeling jealous.
first of all, its impossible that you can make something to avoid your partner not to cheat you. imagine, if you are in a relationship, and your favorite actress appears at your door and says **** me, date me whatever, will you resist? i know im going to the extreme, but i want to write the less possible. yes, love is a weird thing.
NEVER say to your partner who is she allowed to have as a friend. NEVER try to change someone. give her her space. don't be above her all the time. if you want her, respect her. .Never try to manipulate or change her behavior. It will just create resentment.
Remember: You do not own her!
If you want her to stay with you, instead of trying to change her, MAKE SURE TO BE INTERESTING, give the best of you (keep in shape, etc), and keep her invested in you. be secure, confident, be the things that made her fall in love with you. she didn't like because you were possessive and jealous. she liked you because you were or are attractive. by attractive im not saying "beauty", im saying "beauty and your personality".
one random advice would be start seeing other girls. im not saying cheat your partner. just go out to the world, and see that is full of fish. but go out with girls that are difficult to you, and make them like you. dependence appears when you have in your head this feeling of what is called "one-itis". you think that theres only one person in the world for you, thats shes so special, etc. when you start seeing other girls, going out with them, you will know that everyone has something, get to know them and you will learn that everyone is special in someway. you will value yourself more, and you will be more secure when you have the attention of more women.
i have seen that women SOMETIMES use jealousy to keep you interested. theres nothing worse than confessing your jealousy to her, since if this is the case, she will get what she was seeking and you encourage her bad behavior to be repeated. but this maybe or maybe not be your case.
maybe with this you will start accepting that she has a friend, and your love life will be better. there is a lot of stuff you can do, but this is my advice, works for me, works for my guys. tell me if it works for a woman.
Without a doubt, jealousy has its roots in insecurity. But from what I gather, it hasn't played much of a role in your (rather long) relationship until recently. IMO, your insecurity is not unreasonable given that its based on what you've actually witnessed and had confirmed.
I do believe though that the reasons for such intense initial attraction between two people are not always so clearly defined. Similar backgrounds, similar values, similar interests etc, can all cause two people to want to investigate and interact intensively, until they settle into a more relaxed and friendly "relationship". IMO, if she didn't leave you for that woman then, she wont in the future.
This is my advice:
I don't think that you want her to know that you looked into her cellphone. So perhaps it would be an idea, to tell her that you've had time to think about things. That you trust her and will therefore allow her to continue her friendship with this girl. BUT, in return, she needs to respect your status as her girlfriend, and not only put you first, but also be open about her friendship with the girl. Perhaps even ask her to arrange that you can all meet for drinks, that she can visually put your mind at ease. You'd have to be strong for this one, and try your best to keep a reasonable attitude.
This is the kind of thing that can make you grow stronger as a couple.
I wish you all of the best.
"BUT, in return, she needs to respect your status as her girlfriend, and not only put you first, but also be open about her friendship with the girl. Perhaps even ask her to arrange that you can all meet for drinks, that she can visually put your mind at ease. "
love is a thing you give without expecting something in return. that part that i quoted says "im insecure and i think that you are going to leave me for another girl, so please let me have you controlled"
i think you shouldn't tell her that you are feeling jealous. if you say that part that xtine said, she will know that you are feeling jealous and insecure, don't do that. thats unattractive and only will cause more problems. in my advice, work on yourself, your confidence and your self-esteem as i said. the problem here is your feelings, not your partner. if you turn the tables, you will be able to have her again so attracted to you, that she wont need to see other friends. act like nothing is happening, be confident. step back a little!
love works in illogical ways, the more that you love someone, the more that they run away. we developed most of our human feelings and senses in times of the cavern, and we learned that we have to run for anything that is chasing us. but if something runs away from us, we have the tendency to follow it. thats the cool part.
I came across a link that might help you Morgan: