Confessions about love, relationships guilt and the world from a young sociopath.
Hi everyone, i'm diego, a 19 years old that today has discovered that he is 80% sociopath. i'm figuring out about the other 20%. i have read dr robert writings, and of course i have been on the internet searching for stuff.
Im going to write my thoughs about some stuff about my relationships with girls, and my point of view about "love". i could just write this on a diary, but maybe some of you could help me figuring
For me, love is just a weakness. When people have somepart of them missing, and they find that part in another person, they call it love. for example, a guy who has always been told that he is ugly, and a cute girl says to him that he is cute, then he had filled that hole and he will say that he is in love with her with the time. (thats a simple example, but the 30 couples i know and i have analysed, its just always a weakness)
i can identify my sociopaths characteristics better when i'm drunk. when i'm drunk i can just think of 4 things at a very high level: laugh, eat, drink more, and girls(when i'm sober i'm also just thinking of these things too, but in a more controlled level).
when i'm drunk its like im seeing everything that is happening but i cant control my actions, this is what happened on one night. im kind of pyromaniac,that night i lighted up my friend shirt from the back just to turn on my cigarette, then of course he got mad at me, but the forgived me because i made everyone laugh. Then i saw a group of girls, and i grabbed him and i throwed him in the group of girls, i said to the girls "sorry, he is so drunk" they laughed, and we started to dance with them. every-time i use people to get girls, my friends, i have had dates with their sisters, and i know in a unconscious level that every-time i make a new friend is just because i know he can set me up with a friend of her (or her sister, or her actual girlfriend :P).
i have had just 3 girlfriends that lasted at least 1 week in all my life. but there was one special, a bipolar girl, i lasted with her 3 months (she was the girlfriend of a friend of me, and i dont know how we started to date) (ok, now i remember, i talked with my friend and said to him that she wasnt worth it, i felt no guilt for him, my justification said "this girl is so fun, that she deserves a better guy" :P) . i remember the first time that she said me "i love you" i couldnt say a word, but as i never show nervous or stuff like that even if im feeling it, i just smiled but i couldnt talk. then, after a minute i said "i love you too" but i knew that i didnt. i just said that because i wanted to kiss her, to make her mine. and i didnt felt guilt, i said to me "i said that just to dont hurt her feelings, im a good guy" i always end up justifying my actions.
But, guess when i started to feel like i loved her. when she left me. then i said, "ohh i think i was in love but i never realized it". now i know that the thing i was feeling was "how could that ***** left me, she cant, im perfect, whats wrong?" i thought it was love, but it was just my ego that was hurted.
After that relationship, i have been with girls, but i cant love anyone, i just like their bodies, their things that they say to me.. but i can declare that i really have never been in love.
i have mixed feelings, somedays i feel sad with no confidence, somedays i feel like im the most desirable man in the world, and it sucks. i know everyone feels different everyday, but my change of emotions are very drastic, i know i have a problem. in those days of "over-confidence" i go to parties to get girls. im not handsome at all, but i know that girls prefer a confident, strong, cocky and funny guy that a girly needy cute guy. i cant be with ugly or fat girls, im very picky about them, i just date cute girls, even i know im kind of ugly.
im a very philosophic person, sometimes i think nothing exists, that its just me and my mind, that all the people are just to help me growing up, so i think thats why sometimes i dont care if im hurting somebody.
but the most complicated part is this... whats right or wrong?
am i right cause i have all my needs fulfilled and i have all i want, and i don't have repressions like other people?
or am i wrong cause i have hurted and used a lot of people to fulfill my deepest needs?
what do you think? i think that the absolute truth doesn't exist, that nobody is wrong or right, everyone have to do what they want, but the society, the religion, and the laws are the things that control our instincts to regulate and have peace.