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Confused 19 year old

Hey! I’m Mike
I have often worried about my lack 'feeling' But I don't think i'm a sociopath...
I have lost my grandfather and mother recently and felt nothing, I pretended to, but didn’t eventually the guilt of this lead to me being able to express the expected emotions but it wasn’t for the right reason.
I have always been scared that I won’t ever be able to love anyone, the issue being my feelings are almost like a light switch, I can seemingly turn them on and off at will all except for guilt that seems to always hit me when I’m alone.

Apart from the continuous bouts of guilt another non-sociopathic trait I have is to easily empathize with other people, now this may seem strange but again its only while they are around me, for example I am really close to my parents and sister, I always feel what I have dubbed love from them and reciprocate this feeling but when I went away to my first year of university, it was literally a case of 'out of site out of mind'. I missed living at home and the benefits thereof but I didn’t really at all think of them.

I'm a very accomplished Liar, (not that I’m proud of this trait in my character) I have been able to keep my sexuality hidden from my parents for 7 years, because my parents are very anti gay, (I wonder if this inherent fear of discovery has any affect on the situation?) and will not cope with my sexuality, the literally shunned my cousin when he came out of the closet and the insisted that he is dead to them, that he is disgusting etc. ( this is met by mild indifference from me)Though I hide it from my parents, all my friends, peers and several church members as well as employers of mine know that I am gay, this situation is another great source of guilt. I have often contemplated suicide but not actually ever gotten far enough to attempt it. I am very good at stealing and will steal anything that is left unattended but will return it in some way later on, I can’t ever not return it, if I don’t I can’t sleep I start worrying that other people will need it or something, but I get such a rush!
I don’t worry about anything, apart from other people’s regard. I can’t stand embarrassment and not because of pride, I have no trouble with pride- it’s the thought that they may not like me anymore – very insecure! Though I come across as a happy-go-lucky if a little flippant but caring person.
The most recent problem I have found recently and is worrying me even more is sex, when I have sex with anyone I am like an onlooker, it’s as if I’m not doing anything a voyeur in my own body, it’s like I’m dead, no lust not love nothing apart from a dull feeling of pleasure, and heat.
Socially I don’t fit in anywhere, I can however talk to anyone, and sit in any group, people just don’t mind my presence, I have described myself as a social parasite. The only good friends I have are people who like me form a rigid relationship that can be brought back as soon as we talk or get together again. Its annoyingly convenient.
I’m getting very frustrated scared and more and more confused.
Please help me Dr Robert!

Re: Confused 19 year old

I'm confused about what exactly you're confused about. Can you be more specific about that?

Re: Confused 19 year old

I can relate to Mike's situation. With the exception of the lying and stealing I feel exactly how he does. There's this sort of numbness when it comes to loss and when people aren't present they might as well not exist. Oddly enough, I'm also gay. However, I'm completely out of the closet. I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. My interests seem to "put me in" with everyone but not enough to create a bond. A friend commented once that if everyone in the world was either red or blue I would be purple. Perhaps being gay has something to do with it? A lack of connection with others around you who are a heterosexual majority?

Re: Confused 19 year old

Indeed. Do you live in an area where there aren;t many other gay people or a 'gay scene.' Perhaps if you went to some venues or places that were catered towards gay culture etc, you would have astronger sense of identification and your sense of identity could be bolstered etc through being around other you share a commonailty with?

Re: Confused 19 year old

Good point, L.