I need some advice about all this.
I am quite perplexed about a situation that I recently got out of. I was with a man now 41, professional, in an exclusive relationship since November 2007. He was quick to charm me, wine and dine me, and tell me he wanted a serious relationship and that he was ready to settle down. He showered me with compliments and showed so interest.
Five months into our relationship a friend of mine spotted him on the dating website where I met him. he acutally messaged her!! I confronted him and he begged for forgiveness saying that he had it up because he was insecure being with me. He told me "you're pretty, 12 years younger and I was insecure and thought you may be talking to other men." I never once dated anyone else since I met him. So he took the profile down and we continued. I believed him.
Up until June 2009 we were together. Once in a while I got suspicious of something but I thought this was because of what had previously happened with the profile. He promised to come to my parents and discuss a future for months until I got tired of waiting. I broke it off and he said "Can I tell you to wait for me? I am not entirely ready yet baby. You are the best I am going to regret this and there is nobody like you-educated, sweet, gorgeous, etc." He still wanted to see me for coffee and talk on the phone regularly but I declined.
2 days later I went over his home to pick up some of my things and found this girl in his house. He got quiet when I walked in and all he said was "Sandra this is Sofia, Sofia this is Sandra." I was devastated, told him off and left. He texted me a few times after that to get me to talk to him. He acutally fessed up to have dated Sandra two months ago!!!
For a month I thought she was the reason we broke up. On August 1st, 2009 a girl from Italy (Eugenia) messaged me on Facebook asking if I knew "so and so." I was reluctant to give information to a stranger but finally did and we had a 6 hr conversation. He was having a relationship with her too and going to see her every time he went to see his parents in Italy. She lived 5 hrs away from his city. He made promises to her too but she broke up with him a month before I did.
To make this worse, we find out he has another relationship with a girl (Maria) here in NYC where I live. For over a year! Along with me finding out from neighborhood friends that he meets other women too online etc. He still has a profile on the dating website. Also in a recent picture the girl (probably Maria) seems to be sporting a diamond ring. I believe he just got engaged. He is also still on the dating website.
Another weird thing is this man asked me about what type of inheritance I had from my family and how much property we owned and did the same with Eugenia. He does not own a home and spends too much money. I believe Mary has her own place.
My mother as well as Eugenias mom called him to speak to him. He denied knowing Eugenia and said she was someone he met once a long time ago, and denied being in any relationship. He says he is a single, free man and to not believe what anyone says. He also said "I am very healthy and sane, don't believe others."
I no longer want to have anything to do with this man, but is this someone who has antisocial personality disorder??
He lies to so many people-he even told Eugenia that he had a villa and a ferrari here. He also spends tons of money on lavish things-yet he doesn't own his own property but lies about it.
This situation is so crazy that I am ending up in therapy now. I feel hurt, betrayed, used, and anything else terrible.
Oh, also when you try to argue with him he rambles on-NONESENSE!! makes no sense, tries to make excuses, and only points out the behavior of others and how others offended him. AS IF HIS BEHAVIOR IS NORMAL AND ACCEPTABLE! He kept telling my mom "I acted like a gentleman the whole time and was always honest." Just like he would say to me and the other woman in Italy.
This sounds exactly like my socioapathic ex. I read a ton of books on sociopathy and this truly seems like a classic example.
Thank you Nikki,
I waited so long for someone to respond. This is so scary. I am doing much better now, but still have not fully recovered-not from losing this disgusting relationship, but it left a hole in my heart and soul.
The crazy thing is that people who don't know him well say, "he is such a kind and polite gentleman."
I am guessing these types don't change if they get married?
Yes they can be very good in what they do, they have a lifetime of doing it. Don't let it drive you crazy, cause its bound to happen to most people who are in close encounter with them. Remember what they do is sometimes not illegal but most of the time its amoral. Listen to that gut feeling and protect yourself, surround yourself with positive, caring people. There is truly nothing else to do about it. I am still having a hard time with it myself, but it's getting better. And no they do not change. Its sad, I still dont know how it is possible to have been loving someone who has just gone through life wearing a zillion masks. Its mindblowing. Dont get sucked in too deep. Keep things light. Protect yourself, nurture yourself and take yourself seriously. Good luck.