Hello Diana, regretfully I can fully understand what you are going through. Please forgive me if I ramble because I am crying, so my thoughts may not be as clear as usual. I just realized two days ago what I am REALLY dealing with, and like you I love this man but I realize that he could never love me because of his horrible mental state.
For the past seven years I have also been on an emotional roller coaster, attempting to figure out why my marriage has gone through complete hell. I feel that I must tell you this because I know that what I say will help you as well as begin healing for myself. I have not told a soul what I realize is true about my husband, but everything makes so much sense to me now. Similar to you, I am also a Christian woman that completely fell in love with a man that I would have never thought was exhibiting sociopathic behavior at the time. Ofcourse I thought of sociopaths/psychopaths as most common people do as murderers that are seriously mentally ill.
I recall the day so clearly when I met him, he was extraordinarily a truly handsome man that I found very attractive. I met my husband at my church the 3rd week in January in 2002. We planned a date that night to meet at Pappaduex, a seafood restaurant. We both had a wonderful time and practically went on three dates that night---to Joe's Crab Shack where he fed me ice-cream with M&M's, then to the bowling alley. We had SO MUCH FUN. Let me tell you that I was so excited about this man that I called my best friend and told her that I thought I'd met my husband. He also SEEMED very genuine in his feelings for me. What attracted me most and caused me to fall in love so deeply with him was his so called relationship with Christ, SO INTELLIGENT, very SPONTANEOUS what I realize now as being IMPULSIVE. As a Christian woman I was convinced that he was the one. The one thing that convinced me the most will probably astonish you, but he is an ordained minister that preaches the gospel. He always brags about how people will say how anointed he is.
I believe that I have been fooled for so long because he is so faithful and studies the bible every day of the week, or so I believed. The real kicker is that he has always had difficulty keeping a job for any length of time. My parents knew from the beginning after only a couple of months that my husband was trouble and I needed to divorce him because he would never provide for my family consistently. His excuse has and always will be is that God is preparing him to become a pastor. Before learning the REAL TRUTH, I would have to agree that many times pastors go through many difficult experiences to prepare them to pastor and lead others in the church. The scariest thought is that he almost became the pastor of a church a couple of months ago. Just think if I would have learned what I know now if he would have become pastor. The scariest thought now is that the congregation loved him. How many other sociopaths are posing as pastors???????????? I truly believe the only reason why he wants to become a pastor is for the church to take care of him financially. Over the years I would hear him say that pastors that have larger congregrations sometimes get a clothing allowance and luxury housing; however, I was not putting two and two together at the time.
I believed at the time he was the perfect man and we got married on June 1, 2002. We also have two beautiful girls together that I am now tremendously worried for because I know that I MUST end my marriage for our families safety and sanity. It has worried me to the point that I have not slept in two days, I am planning to schedule an appointment with a professional because I am emotionally distraught and need to be strong for my girls. Another thing that concerns me is that my oldest daugher (6 yrs. old)tends to bother our dog, she is not inflicting pain but because her father is a sociopath I realize now after reading many articles and information that the disorder can be caused by many factors, one being genetics.
I am sure you are wondering how I came to the conclusing that he is a sociopath. Well, it is very chilling but after reading Dr. Robert's list he fit EVERY category on the list. I would probably categorize my husband as a Religious Sociopath. What has also fooled me over the years is the fact that my husband is very helpful and always willing to help others experiencing hardship. He ALWAYS gives money to homeless people and I have witnessed him on many occassions buy food while we are out eating at restaurants to people that are hungary or need money. I have always believed he had such a "good heart" toward other people and also his constant profession for his love for God. During Hurricane Katrina years ago, he went and volunteered to help the hurricane victims. Also, he is a very social, talkative, well-liked person in the public, but very quiet, non-responsive and guarded at home. I