My wife is very responsible (almost frugal) with money and is working very hard towards her degree, does that preclude her from being a sociopath?

A bit of background: We married almost 4 years ago. A friend who knows us both jokingly gave me this advice: "most women are insane, this girl is not crazy, you should marry her." Point being that most acquaintances of hers think of her as a very responsible person with a ‘good head on her shoulders.’

Before we met, she felt that she was shipped off to a foreign country by her parents, and that they basically ‘abandoned’ her (they sent her to a foreign country for better education—although she had a very tough time away from them). She used to think about hurting herself and was generally in a great deal of emotional pain. She has shoplifted, even though she had the money to buy the thing in her pocket. She is constantly bored, even though most of her time is taken up by her studies. She often gets very angry at others for slightest mistakes. Her friends call her a ‘Nazi.’ She can also say very mean and hurtful things (in anger or in normal conversation). We have had a few fights (probably no more than a normal couple). One strange thing I noticed is that she never apologizes; she always says “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

A few months ago I found out that she was spending an incredible amount of time chatting, emailing and calling a single, male friend (although she has inappropriate chats with other guys, just not as much). The contents of the conversations (the ones I could read) included very inappropriate things such as discussions about pornography, complaints and insults about me and unnecessary lies. She sometimes makes herself look good by lying (at my expense). It looks like she certainly wants this person’s attention (to keep him interested), but not in taking escalating it to a physical level. In fact, she often gives him advice on relationships (often about a specific girl); but when he started to become successful with this girl, she basically pulled him back. Over the years I have had hints of her manipulative personality, she proudly mentions it to the guy, but didn’t think it was abnormal.

After I confronted her about it, she told me that she didn’t mean to hurt me (again, no actual apology) and we spent the next few weeks very nicely. Shockingly, she started talking to the guy again as soon as she felt the pressure was off. I confronted her again and she gave me some nonsensical excuses. Since then, she has been acting as if nothing happened. At first I assumed that she just didn’t want to bring it up, but her behavior is so strange that I think she genuinely doesn’t think she did anything wrong. She seems to have no remorse, regret or guilt. She seems like two different people. If someone told me of the kinds of conversations she is having with these guys, I wouldn’t have believed them. On the other hand, I’m sure these guys would be surprised to find out that our marriage was actually not an unhappy one (on the surface, it turns out).

A few years ago we went to a theatre to watch a violent comedy. In one scene one guy hits another guy over the head with a two-by-four. Most people in the theatre reacted with a long “ouch…” but she burst out laughing. I remember thinking it was a strange reaction at the time. On TV sometimes there are sad news reports about mothers losing their children; her usual reaction is “they shouldn’t be having kids if they don’t know how to take care of them.” On the other hand, when the weather is bad, she always says “may God help the homeless.”

Is this just another, run of the mill, troubled marriage, or could she be sociopathic (or have one of the related personality disorders)?

hello,

I'm not shrink but I'd like to comment on some things you mentioned here since I do alot of what she does.

I have been with someone for 2 years, and we're doing great. However, when there are fights and it is actually my fault I have a great deal of difficulty saying "I'm sorry," but my boyfriend has no problem saying it when he feels he is wrong. From what I have found out, ever since he was little his parents have always apologized to their children when they knew it was their fault, my parents didn't so of course I don't say I'm sorry I say something that sounds like I'm sorry because thats what I have been told. Its difficult to say something, when in your household you've never had it said to you. But don't give up. You see, the only reason I'm able to write this to you is because my bf talked to me about this, alot. No only that but his mother also spoke to me about this. If you have anyone in your family that is overall a very kind and caring person and likes your wife have them try talking to her as well. Its good that she talks to people you love rather than strangers that way she can get closer to them in the process and talk to them when another issue occurs rather than run to a stranger, i.e. that other guy. Its good to not force things as well, at times I felt I was forced to talk about very personal and sensitive things in my life that I wasn't ready for so don't ambush her and grill her for questions about her past life - just let her know that when she feels comfortable enough and when the time is right for her you'll be there to listen. I remember those were the kindest words I ever heard, and it melted my heart to just have those words come from my bf's mouth.

As I said earlier I'm not shrink, but from experience and from friends I've found that if a girl is talking with a guy on the phone and you can immediately tell shes not having a general conversation about the weather or life it's not a good sign. She may have low self-esteem even if she portrays otherwise ( by the way she dresses or her body movement) but this is something that can be fixed by something as simple as saying - honey i love waking up next to you. That way she won't have to go to someone else for the kind words her husband could be giving her.

It's going to take some time I'm sure, but the most important thing, and I can't stress this enough, but the MOST important thing is to not throw up your hands and surrender. Don't give up. Good luck my friend.

P.S. my bf is in the movie business, he makes horror movies and thinks when an alien baby bursts out of a person cavity chest that its the most exciting and awesome thing. I happen to be terrified of horror movies and can't sleep at night due to them. But my love for him makes me love his crazy fantasies and I've come to admire him because he sees things differently from me.