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Ex-friend with BPD

Hi Dr Rob,

I'm not sure how to forget/get over a situation that happened maybe a year ago now. I don't constantly think about it but when I do I still feel really strongly about what happened.

I started back at Uni and decided to move in with a friend. Everything was going really well - no arguments, lots of laughs and fun, literally nothing that I could think of that could be wrong at all.

I asked to separate out a particular bill as we were both wanting different things - no stress or fuss just asking and my friend stoppped talking to me for a week. After a week of weirdness I asked my friend what was going on and if they were angry at me for wanting to separate out this bill. They said they were and told me about anxiety issues they had and got upset. I sat and talked with my friend a while and got to the point where I thought they seemed okay. I asked if they wanted time alone and they said yes so I left to do shopping.

Later I got a phone call from this person's mother to say that my friend was very upset and didn't want me to go into them to cheer them up. My friend's mother said they would go to get some help in the morning. I asked if they needed any support to do this and was told it would be okay. I got along really well with my friend's parents so they were not angry or anything - it seemed more like an explanation.

In the morning my friend left the house and didn't come back for 3 days. When my friend did come back this is what I was told:
* My friend had serious problems.
* "It wasn't my fault but I made my friend feel like killing themselves."
* I needed to move out because if I stayed any longer then they would hurt themselves and they couldn't even be in the same room as me.

During this conversation my friend was shaking like a leaf. I couldn't believe what I was hearing - it was a massive shock and my friend just kept saying sorry and that it wasn't my fault and that they had done "this" before to someone else. I did what was neccessary and tried to find a new place to live and assured my friend that I wouldn't go talking about their issues to anyone. I did see someone at the university because my friend had essentially threatened suicide and I was concerned.

I found out a few weeks later that "my friend" had been spreading vicious rumors about me like I caused them to have a nervous breakdown and that I had been a bully. I was amazed!!! My friends close friends believed them and consequently REALLY dislike me but most other people recognised the stories for what they were. Unfortunately after a year the stories still have not stopped and 'my friend" seems to recruit people against me - only people who don't know me well though. They all of a sudden stop speaking to me and won't make eye contact.

I can deal with all the silliness of the other people but what I cannot get out of my head is some of the things my friend said and did. I have really suffered mood wise because of it and am constantly questioning myself now and have become withdrawn from others - except close mates. I just feel really badly done by and I can honestly say that I have never felt this level of dislike to wards another person in my entire life.

I really just want to know how to move on when I see this person day in and day out and still live with the consequences of their actions. Any advice would be appreciated.


Re: Ex-friend with BPD

You said so yourself: she's done it before, which means she'll do it again. While she's causing social ostracism for you, the people will eventually see the other side of her too, and so this probably won't last forever. She's only going to alienate herself in the end. In the meantime, I'd really do my best to stay away from her but at the same time not show any hostility towards her. These people are very easy to set off and any attitude that is the least bit threatening or shows rejection in any way will backfire. If you really feel like you can't escape this then I would seek some more help ; maybe contact her parents or ask your counselor if there's anything else that can be done. Worst case scenerio, I'd transfer to a different University, but I also think that you shouldn't have to do that. So it's up to you.