Dear Mr Stivers

Like I said I am not expecting you to reply to this email just secretly hoping that you will. You know in a few short days I have managed to alienate three people one being yourself. Not bad going hey! One good thing that has come from this is that it has caused me to cry out to God.
So now I am going through the pain of being humbled under the hands of the Almighty God. It hurts so much at the moment and it feels so lonely. It is not a pretty picture, but then sin never is. My heart is so overwhelmed at the moment, I have just got to believe that Jesus will bring me through this to the other side so that I can be like Him, and serve Him usefully as He sees fits.
The thing I feared the most "rejection" is now a reality from three people all at once. Proverbs talks about what you fear comes upon you. Perfect love casts out fear - at the moment my fear of rejection is at unbearable levels. His word says that His love is shed abroad in our hearts through the Holy spirit and once I allow this to happen it will be His love working in any associations I have with others and not me.
Self pity overwhelms me also, but has been a way of life for some time. I have adopted the "victim mentality" and play on this. I did not think I had any anger but have been convicted of it. There is so much I have been angry about. I have been angry that I was given the parents I had and that God's commandments told me that I had to honour them and that this is the commandment that comes with promise, that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God givest thee.
It never seamed fair as they took my childhood and life from me. They have never acknowledged what they have done. I still have forgiveness of a number of people to work out with God. I generally did this the first time I had become a Christian, but I think that I have to specifically go through each one separately till all is resolved, including all since that time, which I am doing. I still have resentment towards my mother which I have battled in prayer with for some time but still can't let go of. My mother used to say to me "that she wondered what she had done that was so bad that God would give her a daughter like me", as she blamed me for what my father did and thought that I took him away from her. My hatred of her and anger towards her as been so much, I know I have to let go of this and forgive her but this is a losing battle with me also. Jesus has and is forgiving me for all my sins, if I can't forgive her He won't forgive me, and why should I expect Him to forgive me if I cannot forgive her. I guess I feel justified to hang onto this in my worldly thinking as she still has so much influence and control over my life at the moment which is wrong, I need to really pray hard about this issue and what to do about it. I have always felt that I was nothing more than a punishment sent by God to those I chose to hang around and so whenever something went wrong in their lives I always felt that it was my fault. I resent the fact that now she does not have any one else to look after her now that she is getting elderly and that I am now expected to look after her and do things for her like take her shopping every Tuesday. God has softened my heart allot towards her and I can at least most times enjoy doing things for her as I do it for my God firstly, but lest I completely let go of this it will keep festering and keep rendering me useless to serve my God.
I am so afraid to let go in case the pain becomes so overwhelming that I cannot cope with it, but the pain is great at the moment anyway I guess it doesn't matter.
This is the first time I have not resorted to cutting or wishing I was dead in this type of emotional distress, so maybe God is really doing something at the moment.
You have talked about trials and suffering being part of the Christian life and about Job's suffering, but he suffered as a righteous man, I am suffering because of my bondage to sin, not because of persecution or for righteousness sake, there is a difference.
Any way thank you for the prayers of you all. You will never know how much they have meant to me.
On this sin you said to throw away the key to it and not go near it or touch it in any way. I had no power to overcome a certain part of this, but God has answered all your prayers and He has taken this from me with no effort on my part. I despaired that I would ever be holy in any way. The despair that would come from that was great. Unless I overcame I knew I was useless to God. As you have said I either believe of I don't and now I have the chance to believe.
Could I be bold and ask for your prayers to continue for a few more weeks, as I am not sure whether I am strong enough in faith yet to totally get through this with God on my own. It would not only give me some strength but I guess reassurance as well.

Sincerely

Berris Finch

April 4, 2006

Dear Berris,

Fear not that you have been alienated or rejected by me or the Lord for those of the Lord's household do not reject others whose hearts are contrite and are seeking for the same resolve that is found in Christ. But if you have been rejected by others, whether temporarily or more permanantly, they are not of the Lord's household for they know not my Father who is in heaven. If you know my Father who is in heaven then you are known by Him and there is no reason to fear or doubt the fellowship you have been granted. Though I was absent in my reply for a little while - take that not as a sign that you were rejected or alienated but know that there are many to whom I must minister their particular need and I am but one man surrounded by many who are my Lord's enemies. Hear this parable of truth...

From one battle to the next - I spar with mockers and deceivers and engage the enemy constantly for they wish us to bow down and go the way of Baalam but I know their trickery and subtle arguments and they seek to weaken our faith, conviction and resolve. The battles always seem to increase when I am ministering to the needs of others seeking genuine redemption (as in your case). This consumes much of my energy and time and requires me to be as a soldier on a battle field outnumbered by the enemy with only a few brethren by my side... our swords swinging from one assault after another with only the energy and strength that the Lord could provide... Imagine the worst of odds on a battle field where you are out-flanked, out numbered and completely surrounded and the chances of your survival are seemingly not in your favor - but thanks be to God, He is with us and His power in us is mightier than all the armies forces put together against us. God sees to it that His soldiers of righteousness achieve victory over the multitude of His adversaries and there is no power on earth that will defeat the army of God for He who is in us is mightier than all others combined. That is where I have been the last few days Berris so fear not when your brethren are called out to engage the enemy. When this occurs, you must maintain your domocile and do your part to keep faith so that when God's soldiers of righteousness return home from the battles they fight - they may be comforted, fed and allowed to rest before the next engagement. You have a particular role to play as a female servant of God as do the men who are held responsible for the flocks they tend.

That is really what Paul is saying to the Corinthians regarding the woman who ought to have power on her head on account of the angels. You have a role to play within the ranks of God's Kingdom but now you are without husband and this likely makes your required task a little more obscure. Regarding the covering, that by nature is your hair, please tell me, is your hair long as it should be making your glory apparant as a woman or do you wear your hair short as do many in today's society? Do others view you as a woman submissive to authority as the true Church should be to Christ or are you rebellious going against the natural order that God so intended? A man with long hair dishonors God because he wears his hair as a woman should in the same manner that a woman with short (butch) hair dishonors God because she wears her hair as a man. Paul said that other than what is natural and desired by God, the Churches should have no other custom. The context of God's message to the Corinthians is much wider than just speaking about a covering... there are roles for men designed by God as evidenced by his natural being and nature and there are roles for women too who must abide by their given nature - both are critically important to the required service within God's household. A man and woman should never go against the natural design that God so intended lest he/she become an offense to God who created all things to achieve harmony and balance.

As for the other things which I must attend... I am a busy Sea Captain who is on call 24/7 to rescue persons and vessels in distress out on the water. Our Spring has arrived and the boating season is just starting to take off which means more people on the water traveling about in their pleasure craft and getting into trouble requiring my assistance to save their butts (pardon my expression). This is how I earn my income as there is no collection plate passed around here at Cephas Ministry. You and others are free to make free will offerings if you like to help support our valuable ministry. Few are they who do because we most often are ministering to the poor who have little in the way of financial resource and so whatever donations we do receive - goes to help off-set the Internet Web Site expenses and legitimate offerings we make to other discernment ministries in an effort to support the saints. Cephas Ministry is self funded unlike most all others that fleece the flocks for personal and sordid gain.

Continued from part I

I am also still parenting two of my three children (now teenagers) as a single dad and that added to my calling in this ministry makes for a full day - week - month and year. I am sorry that you felt left out during my short absense. Please understand that my plate is full and I am barely able to keep up with it all - it's amazing that I can accomplish what I do but I give my Lord all the praise, glory and thanksgiving for being able to maintain.

You identified, most probably by way of spiritual discernment, what else you must face and overcome in your life when you admitted to the need to forgive others who have harmed you. At times, it doesn't make sense but believe me when I tell you that when you can let go of your own unrighteous hatreds... you will likely experience a tremendous relief and a huge burden will have been lifted off your shoulders. If you can achieve this, know that God will faithfully do His part in seeing to those who have transgressed you and He will insure that each will be dealt with according to His right and just ways. This is surely a case where you must "let go - let God." He will do His part. If you are faithful in doing what you know you must... He will be faithful in doing for you what you desire according to His perfect will and plan of salvation. You must utterly TRUST (have faith in) the only God who is worthy to be obeyed.

Lastly, speaking of obedience and perfect love casting out fear...
1 John 4:17-18 "Herein is love made perfect with us, that we may have boldness in the Day of Judgment; because as he is, even so are we in this world. There is no fear in love: but perfect love casts out fear, because fear hath punishment; and he that fears is not made perfect in love." In the above verses, love and obedience are interchangeable thereby showing that the two concepts are inexorably tied together. When I was a child growing up and learning a form of discipline from my parents, I remember clearly how I felt when I had disobeyed or done something I knew was wrong. I remember the fears associated with being "caught" or what if my mother or father "found out?" This kind of fear was very troubling to me and acted like a conviction upon my heart because I knew there would be degrees of punishment for my transgression. As it always happened, my parents always discovered my transgression, followed through on their "promised punishment" and by the time I was 15 years old, I understood that obedience was the way to escape punishment. The fears associated with certain punishment escaped me when I simply chose to obey. From that time forward, I learned never to disobey or lie to my parents about anything ever again. So in this context, if you interchange the word love with the word obedience, you have the same effect and definition. This revelation came to me many years ago and helped me to understand the words of Christ; "If you love me you will obey me." Therefore, one can also say, "he that fears is not made perfect in obedience." 1 John 4:19 "We love, because he first loved us." Verse 19 then is also saying that He who came to do the Father’s will first, did such so that we will also learn to do the Father’s will. Jesus was the perfect example of love and obedience and became the very definition of such. He was always about doing the Father’s business, as we should also be.

Take care Berris and be mindful of the things which I exhort so that you may "prove yourself a doer" and become an example to others. Also remember that rejection will likely result from others but that is not a sign of being unloved by God but a sign of walking rightly on the path that Jesus first trod. "Fear not what man may do to you but fear the Lord for He is able to both save a destroy the souls of men." Feel free to write and continue to share and express yourself but just understand that many require my attention from time to time and my duty and responsibility is great in regards to all who are seeking true fellowship and witness of Christ in flesh. Your letters are an indication that you are of a sound mind but still have some issues that need to be dealt with. My prayers and the prayers of others are with you as you search out the things which are truly of God's desire and will. Shalom!

With all sincerity and love for the truth and our scattered brethren abroad,

Nicholas A. Stivers, a humbled God fearing man, scribe and messenger Author; Apostasy Revealed published 2003 by Mountainview Publishing ISBN: 1-928602-92-4