Your pains and sorrows are necessary to break you down into nothing. In order for you to become that new creature, you have to stop trying to justify your life, your thoughts and your views. What you and I think is nothing apart from what God judges in our lives. That's where some of the source of your suffering comes from. Let it go Kelsey... let it all go. Be as dust in the wind and let Him catch you in the air to form a new you. You know, like the parable on refining silver. Your going to be kept in the heat until He sees His image in you. No amount of discipline feels good for the moment but it becomes necessary for the Father to discipline us as sons because we are so far removed from Him - and that, due to our unrelenting sinful nature and rebellious manner and will towards Him.
Kelsey man, you gotta die and I mean that you have to give it all up.... everything including your desire for a wholesome relationship. You want to know something about the Father? He is not going to let one of His highly prized daughters become one flesh with another man when that man is not yet well grounded. It's you baby that needs to be changed into His likeness as any other believer. But in order for you to get there in a reasonable amount of time... you gotta stop resisting and kicking at the goads.
Give it all up so that He may later bring back some restoration to you. You know, some will gain back 30 fold, some 60 fold and some 100 fold but you first have to give it ALL up. Don't be caught holding back now like Annanias and Saphira, they didn't fare too well now did they?
I'll keep praying for you to gain the courage to do what MUST be done. But remember, the life you leave behind is forgotten and never can you return to it again. That might also mean never getting married. Time is short Kelsey and our days are numbered. Better it is that you give all of yourself to Christ and be not distracted by complicated relationships. But that is just my preferance and experience.You alone must decide what path to take, what seeds to sow and what vines to water. In the end, it is God who guided your steps and He alone causes the growth! AMEN