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| Viewing Page 1 of 1 (Total Posts: 4) |
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Linda
 Oct 5, 08 - 9:37 PM |
My nightmare
My son passed away September 5,2007. I had left the house picked up my younger son from football dropped him off at the bottom of the street and went to a meeting at the high school. I was outside talking to one of the board members about Robert a plain clothes policeman pulled up. He said he needed to take me home I had left my phone in the van I ran I got my phone the whole way I thought one of the boys is hurt. It never dawned on me not even when I called my husband who was working 3 hours away and they said he needed to head home. he pulled in front of my house and there were police cars everywhere.I get out my youngest son Austin is in the driveway saying I'm sorry Mom Ive ruined our family. I start to go to him they say we need to talk to him they lead me to a car to lean on I ask wheres Robbie tell me hes okay he said I'm sorry I cant do that theres been an accident. You see we have guns in the house and Austin came home Robert was busy playing a game. Austin went to my closet got a shotgun went to where the bullets were kept what he did not know is when he loaded the gun he dropped an extra bullet on the floor so when he looked down he saw the right amount and thought it was unloaded. He took it in the living room pointed it at Robert Robert said you know you are not supposed to be playing with that and it went off. Robert was dead instantly Yes we had a gun cabinet yes we had them in gun safety classes from the time they were young. they had also already done a course and gotten their hunting liscense early. We thought we had done all the right things. We had gotten careless Rob had started buying guns for when them and we did not have room in the cabinet for all the guns a trigger lock could have saved my sons life. I had just cleaned my closet out it took me a few days I pulled the guns out and leaned them against the wall Out of sight out of mind. what if I had not gone to that meeting what if I had not cleaned out that closet what if I had put a trigger lock on that gun I get angry but who can I get angry with??? Me myself and God That is my story and my nightmare. I still cant believe he is gone I still cry every day and yes I feel crazy at times |
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Jeremy & Sam's Mom, Shirley
Oct 6th, 2008 - 6:38 AM |
Re: My nightmare
I know how hard this is on you...I know of being wracked with guilt...I know of the "if only" "what if" and "why". I know the pain, the anguish, the anger, the emptiness. 16 years ago, my 15 year old son went over to one of his friend's house, like usual. He called me when he got there, to tell me he loved me. A few hours later, I received a call from this friend's Mom - Sam had been shot and we needed to go to the emergency room where the ambulance was taking him. For over two hours, we sat in one of the rooms in the ER, along with Sam's friend's family. No one would tell us how our son was. But his friend (age 13)explained to us what had happened: he had gotten his hunting rifle out of the closet to show my son. (He had just finished "hunter safety" and was so proud.) He picked up the rifle, thought it was empty because he had checked it the night before - the gun wouldn't fire at all then. As this friend walked towards Sam, he was swinging the gun and the gun went off. (The gun was a gift from an uncle - an old gun - there was a bullet in the chamber.) Our son's doctor, a nurse we knew, the ER staff - all sat with us, waited and hoped everything would be alright. Soon after, our friend/nurse called my husband over. My husband then called me over, told me Sam didn't make it, and I collapsed onto the floor. We were able to sit with our son's body just a short while later - he was cold and without life. I asked myself over and over again - if only I hadn't let him go to this friend's house, why did this happen, I should have known when he passed, I wasn't finished loving him, I still had dreams for him, etc. Our son's friend apologized over and over again - he was only 13 - a good friend to Sam. It took many, many years before we were ok; Sam's brothers (one older, and two younger) took it hard and we did everything to make sure they were ok over these years. It has been a very difficult thing for his friend to deal with also. Almost 13 months ago, Sam's older brother, Jeremy, died of suicide. He used his hunting rifle. We are overwhelmed - the questions are monumental. Why did he do this (no suicide note), why didn't I see something was wrong in his life, how did I fail this son, why...why...why didn't he come talk to us...OMG, another son has died and it was by a gun. (My husband was a bird hunter and the boys loved going hunting with him - but he hasn't hunted since Sam died, 16 years ago. And now he struggles with keeping the guns he has, since Jeremy died.) I know of your nightmare, I know why you feel crazy at times, I know the questions with no answers. My heart goes out to you...I still grieve over my 15 year old son - the pain is only tucked away until I need to let it out again. My broken heart has a scar over the hole his death caused. It opens when I grieve and closes when I am ok again. I have learned to cope with his death while I am still living. I held my family close as we grieved - I had to especially help Sam's brothers to deal his death. I am still in shock over my oldest son's death - he died on 9-11-07. The first year has been a blur - but the pain is raising it's ugly head more and more. I grieve, I yell, I cry till there are no tears left. The questions are endless and you would think I somehow could be prepared for his death...because of going through his brother's death many years ago. But that is not so. Death by suicide leaves the survivors with a whole new set of questions, issues...I grieve on. There is a new hole in my heart that is wide open...once again I have to help my other sons with their grief over not one, but two brother's deaths... Please know I am so sorry you are going through this - unfortunately I know how you are feeling. Surviving Sam's death 16 years ago hasn't made this new death any easier. I know I will survive Jeremy's death, one day. But for now, I need to let the anger, the pain, the tears, the questions play out in my head - over and over again. There are no answers to your questions but having them is part of the grief you have to go through. To just go through with whatever you are feeling is ok - there is no right or wrong way to grieve. We all do it in the way that will help us to learn to live again, without our child/children. Grief is so personal and no two people go through it in the same way. My thoughts are with you. always, Shirley |
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Lee's mom - Gaile
Oct 7th, 2008 - 8:22 AM |
Re: My nightmare
In my experience, the "what ifs" are what really causes me to go almost off the edge. They're impossible to avoid; especially in the early stages of this journey. I still have them. I try to focus on other memories of my son when they enter my mind. It doesn't always work. In fact, I recently spent a whole day, on and off, with the "what ifs." I wish you some peace. I know we all wish that for each other. Sending love. |
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Susan Whitmore
Oct 10th, 2008 - 5:04 PM |
Re: My nightmare
Dear Linda and Shirley, My name is Susan Whitmore, and I am Erika Whitmore Godwin's mother. I am the one who started this foundation after Erika died from a rare sinus cancer. I have been so busy running the foundation and raising money to continue supporting everyone that I haven't visited the message board for a long time. Today, I sat down and began reading. Linda and Shirley, I can't begin to understand why the things happen that happen to our children. They all die in such different ways. But I DO understand the pain that follows their deaths. I am so utterly saddened and sorry to learn about your children's deaths. Working with guilt and the "what ifs" is the hardest thing to deal with after our children die. Everyone, not matter how their child die, lives with the guilt. But I can promise you this, and that is with lots of love, hope and support from everyone and everywhere you can possibly find it, and with years of making a strong commitment to rebuilding your lives and doing whatever it takes to get there, you WILL be able to live life without the guilt. I promise you. Like a terrible disease, like the cancer that took Erika from us, we have to treat this grief the same way. If a doctor told us we had cancer and we needed to do this and that to get better or to treat it, we would do all of those things, whether it meant losing weight, exercising every day, taking these medications, going through chemo or radiation, whatever it took. But people don't seem to realize that this grief, the worst loss is that of losing a child, is the worst journey anyone will ever have to take, and you can't take it by trying to simply live each day. You have to "do" things, such as everyone does when they visit the website, read all of the postings, help one another, read books, go to support group meetings, reach out to others when in need, scream, cry, wail, curse, see a private therapist, take vacations, not take vacations, eat ice cream, etc., etc., etc. The only way to know what helps at all is to try everything all of the time. I try to tell people to treat this as the worst disease you have ever had. Find out what soothes the pain of this disease at any given minute of each day. Find out what it is (of course, we do NOT advocate becoming a drug addict or alchoholic), and then do it. Listen, I have been thin my entire life. I wouldn't eat dessert, even when Erika begged me to enjoy a hot fuge sundae with her, because I was vain. I was a runner for years, and I had always gone to the gym. When Erika died, all of that went right out the window! I gained 12 pounds by eating Ben 'n Jerry's every night in front of the TV. In the beginning, it was the ONLY thing I looked forward to each day that gave me comfort. It's been almost seven years since Erika died, and last January I finally went on Weight Watchers and took it all off. And you know what? I didn't care either. That is just one tiny example of what I did. I have tons and tons of things that have helped me over the years since Erika's death. I want you to use this website every single day and read and listen and watch everything we offer. I have our web master add new things regularly! That is just for reasons like this--so you will always have distractions and learn things from others' stories. God, I am so sorry about your children. And to have your second son take his own life . . . my heart breaks for you both. It is kind of uncanny the way you found each other and have the exact same circumstances. I'm so glad about that. I don't recall that either of you have signed up on our website to receive a free Packet of Hope and be on our mailing list. PLEASE SIGN UP RIGHT AWAY! I don't ever want you to miss anything that we have, and our next newsletter is being mailed in November. If you don't get on the mailing list, you won't receive it. Sending you both a lot of love and hugs. Erika's Mom Susan Whitmore |
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