griefHaven

Diana - Brandon's Mom 12/29/80 - 4/23/06

Aug 9, 08 - 9:15 AM

The dreaded question: "Do you have any children?"

My only child is gone now for 2 years. Last week, for the first time, I answered "no" when asked if I have any children. I swore that I would never say that. That I will be Mom, until the day I die.

But harsh reality took over. I work with the public, and inevitably, light conversations take place. The question was asked before, and I've always answered "yes, but he died." This answer makes people feel very uncomfortable, and so sorry they ever asked.
Then you get the long silence and the pitiful look. So this time, when asked, I wanted to prevent all this discomfort, but at the same time, felt so guilty.
But it's the "professional" thing to do - ???

It's just another reminder of our daily challenges in our new reality - and it sucks!
How do you all handle this?
Diana

Maxine Heller

Aug 9th, 2008 - 10:33 AM

Re: The dreaded question: "Do you have any children?"

Diana,
You tell them you have one child. My son is gone and on every card that I send out, Birthday, etc. I ALWAYS include Adams name. It probably freaks my family or people out, but I will be ****ed, if I sign a card and make like he was a nothing in this life. I will continue to sign Adams name on every card until the day I die.

Your son existed...Let that be known.

Hugs,
Maxine

Renee's Mom & Dad

Aug 9th, 2008 - 1:18 PM

Re: The dreaded question: "Do you have any children?"

You have our heartfelt sympathy on the loss of your beloved son.

Our only child has been gone almost three years. We miss her every single day. We had to move from NJ (where she grew up). It was too painful to stay there with all the memories. So, we are now asked two questions: What made us move to SC, and do you have any children?

We simply say we lost our only child. Some people are uncomfortable, some tell us they have also lost children, and others simply hug us.

We have stopped worrying about what people think. We know they are just trying to be friendly, but maybe they shouldn't ask those questions of a complete stranger.

You will be in our prayers. Please take care of you.

Eileen - George's Mom

Aug 9th, 2008 - 2:40 PM

Re: The dreaded question: "Do you have any children?"

Dear Diana,

I know what you mean about making people uncomfortable when you have to tell them how your only child has died, but I just have to keep acknowledging my son's existence in some way. So, I usually say that "I have a son who is in heaven now." Somehow it's a little easier to say, and I'm sure a little easier to hear. I simply can't face saying "No." Peace to you, Eileen

Lee's mom - Gaile

Aug 9th, 2008 - 3:36 PM

Re: The dreaded question: "Do you have any children?"

Diana, I can understand how the subject might be an issue for you at the workplace. I refused to "do the polite thing" for almost 2 years at a job and it was ultimately one of the reasons for my termination (although they supposedly had other reasons...it was not a nice parting). They had a few "talks" with me over mentioning my son to customers. I would still do things the same way if I had to do it over. However, I would have never taken that job (in a different town and away from most people I knew) if my son had not died. So...

Kim - Joseph's Mommy

Aug 11th, 2008 - 6:37 AM

Re: The dreaded question: "Do you have any children?"

Diana -
Really my motto is always to be honest and speak truth. Only decide how you deliver this what I nickname bomb and yes you heard me correctly my only child died in a blink....yet it feels time after time - another person hearing this is healing for me and for a new compassionate friend in my circle might appear from the universe. Time after time I find myself meeting anotehr bereaved sibling or child or partner or even a best friend - not often they too lost a child. But there is then this connection and base of no coincidences.

When you feel it is easier then you might trust this response you get to choose - it is not about them being polite or in some way uncomfortable. You know this is your 24/7 and they have no clue in how random tragedy really is even with the news and the wars and the realities all over the Real world...even the Bejing Olympics are proving tragedy befalls when no one is expecting it. The Olympics are an entire other story I won't digress here!

and when you think this person might feel your open and honest reply as a place to share your pain, perhpas hold it with you for a moment or two comforting you and not freaking out it might be a gift. Also if next time in future places your paths will cross then it is healing for sure they will understand how to not ask certain questions they might of innocently ask such as how was your weekend? or some petty chatty fill in the blank that is inconceivable now to respond to in some normal answer.

I will repeat myself again honesty to me is all we have now to honor this tragedy we have to survive. If we are role models or whatever they think feeling sorry for ourselves - does it really matter??
Thanks for sharing.

Diana - Brandon's Mom 12/29/80 - 4/23/06

Aug 11th, 2008 - 6:03 PM

Re: The dreaded question: "Do you have any children?"

Thank you all for responding. I feel as if you all grabbed me by my shoulders, and shook me to my senses, which is exactly what I needed!
So very grateful for this place. All of our hearts are so beaten, battered and broken. The load is made just a little bit lighter, being here with you.
Diana

Lilly's Mommy

Aug 13th, 2008 - 9:22 AM

Re: The dreaded question: "Do you have any children?"

Diana
I have not lost my only child but I did lose my only daughter. When I am approached by the question and I do not know this person very well I think why should I explain my life to this stranger they do not know me and also it would be uncomforting situtation for that person so I simply say I have my daughter and three boys and that is usually that. And if I do feel comfortable with this person and want them to know. It would be on my on time when I feel like letting them know that Lilly has passed away. but until then I say I have my daughter and three boys.
It is your choice on how you answer the questions that is approached.
We are all here for you.
Sending Hugs and thoughts your way.
Love
Nichole
Proud Mother Of Lillian Faye 14q-(32.1)

Kate-William's Mom 3/16/91-1/8/08

Aug 15th, 2008 - 5:59 AM

Re: The dreaded question: "Do you have any children?"

Sometimes I can learn from my children. William's brother, Connor, who is one year younger than William, was asked the other day how many brothers and sisters he has. Without missing a beat he said, I have one brother and four sisters (my step-daughters). I was so glad he felt that way and didn't hesitate. I, thank goodness, have not had to deal with that question yet because I know I would break down. Of course, what doesn't make me break down these days. I can't imagine having to answer anything other than "I have two boys".

Jeremy & Sam's Mom, Shirley

Aug 15th, 2008 - 6:18 AM

Re: The dreaded question: "Do you have any children?"

16 years ago, after I lost my teenage son in an accident, I struggled when someone asked me the "question". After a few -"I have three sons" (which felt like I was betraying my lost son), and "I have four sons but one passed away" (which was usually much more information the person wanted to hear and lends itself to a very awkward moment)- I decided I had to be true to myself. I couldn't not acknowledge my son's birth even though he wasn't physically with me anymore. I always say I have four sons. But I choose who and how much information I want to share with.

11 months ago, my oldest son died of suicide. Once again, I am struck with the dreaded question, but with the unspeakable work "suicide" in the mix. I still say "I have four sons" - but to give out more information to someone who only knows me in passing, is something I don't do. I will immediately ask this person a question to get off the dreaded subject. It works - they usually don't ask for more. I don't have to share anything I'd rather not talk about, to strangers or semi-strangers. And those who are dear to me, let me talk as much as I need to - supporting me.

I think the dreaded question will always make for an uncomfortable situation. But, as a mother, I cannot say "I have two sons", when I gave birth to four. My "lost" sons are still in my life - I think of them each and every moment. I think we just get to a "place" where we feel comfortable with our answer. You will find your answer - just give yourself a little time. always, Shirley

Peggy (Mark's mom)

Sep 28th, 2008 - 7:39 PM

Re: The dreaded question: "Do you have any children?"

Diana - (Brandon's mom)

When someone asks me how many children I have. I always reply "3" - but my oldest one got killed. So then they ask me how many I have "left". I still have 3. You could just answer 1 and leave it at that.
When you say none - it makes it look like your son never existed. I'm sure it's hard - but I still have 3 kids. If you don't want to answer their questions - just tell them politely that you don't discuss your personal life.

Martha Chacon "Ernie's" mom

Oct 4th, 2008 - 1:43 PM

Re: The dreaded question: "Do you have any children?"

Yes, I do. If they ask how old is he I reply...27.
I intend to do this until the day I meet with him again...until then...he'll be 28,29,30,31...and so on.
He is with me...therefore he lives...

Becky, Ben's Mum

Oct 11th, 2008 - 6:07 AM

Re: The dreaded question: "Do you have any children?"

The first job I went into after Ben's passing was as a carer, mostly caring for elderly people in their own homes. Of course they always asked if I was married and if I have children. It was really hard as they were 'vulnerable adults' I tried a bit of everything. If the person seemed able to handle the truth then thats what I told them. Some I regretted telling and others became my rock. It really took the stress off me that they knew. If they were a bit confused or fragile then I quickly said "no" but even then I felt absolutely awful saying that. Through trial and error I have found the easiest way to answer people in general (not that any way is easy) is to say 'yes, a boy, he would be 10 now' then they get the idea without getting too deep. Now I have Sunny (he's 15 weeks old) and and when people see him I get asked if he's my first. I just say no and quite often the conversation moves on, although some people do look at me like they are wondering where the other child is!

Sunny will certainly know about his big brother. He already smiles at his photo, which is really nice for us :)

Maxine, I still sign Bens name on cards. I've been putting "Heavenly Hugs from Ben" partly so they don't think that I've lost the plot. I'm not sure what to do this Christmas. I thought I might just sign his name in silver or something. Any ideas anyone?

Much love,
Becky

Marlene

Oct 31st, 2008 - 11:01 AM

Re: The dreaded question: "Do you have any children?"

I was just looking on this site regarding this dreaded question.

My son was KIA in Iraq, 19 month ago. This week they asked this dreaded question. I hate it so much that I remove myself from small talk just to avoid it in the workplace. What I am doing is avoiding people only because I am scared if this question comes up. I will always say that I have 2 kids but it is very difficult to say. I almost cry when I have to say one has passed.

I think we have no choise regarding that question because we have to live with it our entire life! We have to learn to deal with those questions. Will it get easier over the years to answer it? Probably not, I don't know. But even though it is very hard to answer we have to answer it with the truth.

A hug for everyone on this site. Because everyone needs it so bad.
Marlene

mary n-ambers mom

Oct 31st, 2008 - 12:58 PM

Re: The dreaded question: "Do you have any children?"

Diana
it has been 3 years since my only daughter passed away & I still get them looks we all hate but when asked I still say I have 3 sons & a daughter that passed away she would have been 18 this dec she always has been & always will be a part of this family no matter how bad it makes other feel or how crazy it might make me look. some times its like she is still here with us just playin one of her jokes on us .. & I think others need to hear that we have lost our kids for what ever reason others need to know we can lose our kid over very stupid things ( I pray everyday that no other parent has to go through this & walk this road)but I also think ppl need to understand this can happen to any one any time its not our call its the big man up stairs call. when we or our children have done the job he sent (us) them here to do he takes them home & us left behind to wait our turn to go home learn to live in another way with part of out hearts missing
take care of you mary n

Laura

Nov 1st, 2008 - 2:46 PM

Re: The dreaded question: "Do you have any children?"

Thank you all for your lovely messages. I hope I am not out of place here; I have never had a child, but I lost my sister five years ago. My deep condolences to each of you for your losses.

I was taking a Spanish class recently and the teacher was trying to be very cheerful and test our basic abilities to use numbers and describe family relations. She called on individuals in the class and asked, in Spanish, "Do you have any brothers or sisters?" Then the dreaded question, "How old are they?" I did not yet know the word for "died" but I had to be honest when she called on me. "I have two brothers and a sister who died."

It took the air out of the room. This was all supposed to be a game, a learning game. Well, it had to become one of another sort.

The teacher pressed on, asking people how old their parents were. She thought that by asking young people about their parents, she would avoid the sort of response she got from me, which was perceived as a "downer." It didn't work. Even some very young people stumbled to find the words to say, in their second language, "My mother died," etc.

I think we all need to be honest and straightforward, as has been reflected in the comments here, over and over. I will never deny my sister's existence just to be polite. I know it makes other people uncomfortable because it reminds them that any of us could die at any moment. But you know what? I could stop breathing five seconds from now. This is what I learned from my sister's death, and it would be a travesty to try to forget it.

Thank you all for your honesty and mutual support.

	griefHaven Welcome to our forum. Feel free to post a message. To return to the griefHaven website, click the return to Website link or just click our logo to the left. Terms and Conditions of Use
Return to Website

Author	Comment
Diana - Brandon's Mom 12/29/80 - 4/23/06 Aug 9, 08 - 9:15 AM	The dreaded question: "Do you have any children?" My only child is gone now for 2 years. Last week, for the first time, I answered "no" when asked if I have any children. I swore that I would never say that. That I will be Mom, until the day I die. But harsh reality took over. I work with the public, and inevitably, light conversations take place. The question was asked before, and I've always answered "yes, but he died." This answer makes people feel very uncomfortable, and so sorry they ever asked. Then you get the long silence and the pitiful look. So this time, when asked, I wanted to prevent all this discomfort, but at the same time, felt so guilty. But it's the "professional" thing to do - ??? It's just another reminder of our daily challenges in our new reality - and it sucks! How do you all handle this? Diana Email: dianaprince@suddenlink.net
Maxine Heller Aug 9th, 2008 - 10:33 AM	Re: The dreaded question: "Do you have any children?" Diana, You tell them you have one child. My son is gone and on every card that I send out, Birthday, etc. I ALWAYS include Adams name. It probably freaks my family or people out, but I will be **ed, if I sign a card and make like he was a nothing in this life. I will continue to sign Adams name on every card until the day I die. Your son existed...Let that be known. Hugs, Maxine Email:** mheller54@msn.com
Renee's Mom & Dad Aug 9th, 2008 - 1:18 PM	Re: The dreaded question: "Do you have any children?" You have our heartfelt sympathy on the loss of your beloved son. Our only child has been gone almost three years. We miss her every single day. We had to move from NJ (where she grew up). It was too painful to stay there with all the memories. So, we are now asked two questions: What made us move to SC, and do you have any children? We simply say we lost our only child. Some people are uncomfortable, some tell us they have also lost children, and others simply hug us. We have stopped worrying about what people think. We know they are just trying to be friendly, but maybe they shouldn't ask those questions of a complete stranger. You will be in our prayers. Please take care of you. Email: hsjs@sc.rr.com
Eileen - George's Mom Aug 9th, 2008 - 2:40 PM	Re: The dreaded question: "Do you have any children?" Dear Diana, I know what you mean about making people uncomfortable when you have to tell them how your only child has died, but I just have to keep acknowledging my son's existence in some way. So, I usually say that "I have a son who is in heaven now." Somehow it's a little easier to say, and I'm sure a little easier to hear. I simply can't face saying "No." Peace to you, Eileen
Lee's mom - Gaile Aug 9th, 2008 - 3:36 PM	Re: The dreaded question: "Do you have any children?" Diana, I can understand how the subject might be an issue for you at the workplace. I refused to "do the polite thing" for almost 2 years at a job and it was ultimately one of the reasons for my termination (although they supposedly had other reasons...it was not a nice parting). They had a few "talks" with me over mentioning my son to customers. I would still do things the same way if I had to do it over. However, I would have never taken that job (in a different town and away from most people I knew) if my son had not died. So...
Kim - Joseph's Mommy Aug 11th, 2008 - 6:37 AM	Re: The dreaded question: "Do you have any children?" Diana - Really my motto is always to be honest and speak truth. Only decide how you deliver this what I nickname bomb and yes you heard me correctly my only child died in a blink....yet it feels time after time - another person hearing this is healing for me and for a new compassionate friend in my circle might appear from the universe. Time after time I find myself meeting anotehr bereaved sibling or child or partner or even a best friend - not often they too lost a child. But there is then this connection and base of no coincidences. When you feel it is easier then you might trust this response you get to choose - it is not about them being polite or in some way uncomfortable. You know this is your 24/7 and they have no clue in how random tragedy really is even with the news and the wars and the realities all over the Real world...even the Bejing Olympics are proving tragedy befalls when no one is expecting it. The Olympics are an entire other story I won't digress here! and when you think this person might feel your open and honest reply as a place to share your pain, perhpas hold it with you for a moment or two comforting you and not freaking out it might be a gift. Also if next time in future places your paths will cross then it is healing for sure they will understand how to not ask certain questions they might of innocently ask such as how was your weekend? or some petty chatty fill in the blank that is inconceivable now to respond to in some normal answer. I will repeat myself again honesty to me is all we have now to honor this tragedy we have to survive. If we are role models or whatever they think feeling sorry for ourselves - does it really matter?? Thanks for sharing. Email: perlie95@earthlink.net
Diana - Brandon's Mom 12/29/80 - 4/23/06 Aug 11th, 2008 - 6:03 PM	Re: The dreaded question: "Do you have any children?" Thank you all for responding. I feel as if you all grabbed me by my shoulders, and shook me to my senses, which is exactly what I needed! So very grateful for this place. All of our hearts are so beaten, battered and broken. The load is made just a little bit lighter, being here with you. Diana Email: dianaprince@suddenlink.net
Lilly's Mommy Aug 13th, 2008 - 9:22 AM	Re: The dreaded question: "Do you have any children?" Diana I have not lost my only child but I did lose my only daughter. When I am approached by the question and I do not know this person very well I think why should I explain my life to this stranger they do not know me and also it would be uncomforting situtation for that person so I simply say I have my daughter and three boys and that is usually that. And if I do feel comfortable with this person and want them to know. It would be on my on time when I feel like letting them know that Lilly has passed away. but until then I say I have my daughter and three boys. It is your choice on how you answer the questions that is approached. We are all here for you. Sending Hugs and thoughts your way. Love Nichole Proud Mother Of Lillian Faye 14q-(32.1)
Kate-William's Mom 3/16/91-1/8/08 Aug 15th, 2008 - 5:59 AM	Re: The dreaded question: "Do you have any children?" Sometimes I can learn from my children. William's brother, Connor, who is one year younger than William, was asked the other day how many brothers and sisters he has. Without missing a beat he said, I have one brother and four sisters (my step-daughters). I was so glad he felt that way and didn't hesitate. I, thank goodness, have not had to deal with that question yet because I know I would break down. Of course, what doesn't make me break down these days. I can't imagine having to answer anything other than "I have two boys". Email: acksov@hotmail.com
Jeremy & Sam's Mom, Shirley Aug 15th, 2008 - 6:18 AM	Re: The dreaded question: "Do you have any children?" 16 years ago, after I lost my teenage son in an accident, I struggled when someone asked me the "question". After a few -"I have three sons" (which felt like I was betraying my lost son), and "I have four sons but one passed away" (which was usually much more information the person wanted to hear and lends itself to a very awkward moment)- I decided I had to be true to myself. I couldn't not acknowledge my son's birth even though he wasn't physically with me anymore. I always say I have four sons. But I choose who and how much information I want to share with. 11 months ago, my oldest son died of suicide. Once again, I am struck with the dreaded question, but with the unspeakable work "suicide" in the mix. I still say "I have four sons" - but to give out more information to someone who only knows me in passing, is something I don't do. I will immediately ask this person a question to get off the dreaded subject. It works - they usually don't ask for more. I don't have to share anything I'd rather not talk about, to strangers or semi-strangers. And those who are dear to me, let me talk as much as I need to - supporting me. I think the dreaded question will always make for an uncomfortable situation. But, as a mother, I cannot say "I have two sons", when I gave birth to four. My "lost" sons are still in my life - I think of them each and every moment. I think we just get to a "place" where we feel comfortable with our answer. You will find your answer - just give yourself a little time. always, Shirley
Peggy (Mark's mom) Sep 28th, 2008 - 7:39 PM	Re: The dreaded question: "Do you have any children?" Diana - (Brandon's mom) When someone asks me how many children I have. I always reply "3" - but my oldest one got killed. So then they ask me how many I have "left". I still have 3. You could just answer 1 and leave it at that. When you say none - it makes it look like your son never existed. I'm sure it's hard - but I still have 3 kids. If you don't want to answer their questions - just tell them politely that you don't discuss your personal life.
Martha Chacon "Ernie's" mom Oct 4th, 2008 - 1:43 PM	Re: The dreaded question: "Do you have any children?" Yes, I do. If they ask how old is he I reply...27. I intend to do this until the day I meet with him again...until then...he'll be 28,29,30,31...and so on. He is with me...therefore he lives... Email: thequeenmarystore@gmail.com
Becky, Ben's Mum Oct 11th, 2008 - 6:07 AM	Re: The dreaded question: "Do you have any children?" The first job I went into after Ben's passing was as a carer, mostly caring for elderly people in their own homes. Of course they always asked if I was married and if I have children. It was really hard as they were 'vulnerable adults' I tried a bit of everything. If the person seemed able to handle the truth then thats what I told them. Some I regretted telling and others became my rock. It really took the stress off me that they knew. If they were a bit confused or fragile then I quickly said "no" but even then I felt absolutely awful saying that. Through trial and error I have found the easiest way to answer people in general (not that any way is easy) is to say 'yes, a boy, he would be 10 now' then they get the idea without getting too deep. Now I have Sunny (he's 15 weeks old) and and when people see him I get asked if he's my first. I just say no and quite often the conversation moves on, although some people do look at me like they are wondering where the other child is! Sunny will certainly know about his big brother. He already smiles at his photo, which is really nice for us :) Maxine, I still sign Bens name on cards. I've been putting "Heavenly Hugs from Ben" partly so they don't think that I've lost the plot. I'm not sure what to do this Christmas. I thought I might just sign his name in silver or something. Any ideas anyone? Much love, Becky
Marlene Oct 31st, 2008 - 11:01 AM	Re: The dreaded question: "Do you have any children?" I was just looking on this site regarding this dreaded question. My son was KIA in Iraq, 19 month ago. This week they asked this dreaded question. I hate it so much that I remove myself from small talk just to avoid it in the workplace. What I am doing is avoiding people only because I am scared if this question comes up. I will always say that I have 2 kids but it is very difficult to say. I almost cry when I have to say one has passed. I think we have no choise regarding that question because we have to live with it our entire life! We have to learn to deal with those questions. Will it get easier over the years to answer it? Probably not, I don't know. But even though it is very hard to answer we have to answer it with the truth. A hug for everyone on this site. Because everyone needs it so bad. Marlene Email: jjsam@hotmail.com
mary n-ambers mom Oct 31st, 2008 - 12:58 PM	Re: The dreaded question: "Do you have any children?" Diana it has been 3 years since my only daughter passed away & I still get them looks we all hate but when asked I still say I have 3 sons & a daughter that passed away she would have been 18 this dec she always has been & always will be a part of this family no matter how bad it makes other feel or how crazy it might make me look. some times its like she is still here with us just playin one of her jokes on us .. & I think others need to hear that we have lost our kids for what ever reason others need to know we can lose our kid over very stupid things ( I pray everyday that no other parent has to go through this & walk this road)but I also think ppl need to understand this can happen to any one any time its not our call its the big man up stairs call. when we or our children have done the job he sent (us) them here to do he takes them home & us left behind to wait our turn to go home learn to live in another way with part of out hearts missing take care of you mary n Email: noyesjanitorial@yahoo.com
Laura Nov 1st, 2008 - 2:46 PM	Re: The dreaded question: "Do you have any children?" Thank you all for your lovely messages. I hope I am not out of place here; I have never had a child, but I lost my sister five years ago. My deep condolences to each of you for your losses. I was taking a Spanish class recently and the teacher was trying to be very cheerful and test our basic abilities to use numbers and describe family relations. She called on individuals in the class and asked, in Spanish, "Do you have any brothers or sisters?" Then the dreaded question, "How old are they?" I did not yet know the word for "died" but I had to be honest when she called on me. "I have two brothers and a sister who died." It took the air out of the room. This was all supposed to be a game, a learning game. Well, it had to become one of another sort. The teacher pressed on, asking people how old their parents were. She thought that by asking young people about their parents, she would avoid the sort of response she got from me, which was perceived as a "downer." It didn't work. Even some very young people stumbled to find the words to say, in their second language, "My mother died," etc. I think we all need to be honest and straightforward, as has been reflected in the comments here, over and over. I will never deny my sister's existence just to be polite. I know it makes other people uncomfortable because it reminds them that any of us could die at any moment. But you know what? I could stop breathing five seconds from now. This is what I learned from my sister's death, and it would be a travesty to try to forget it. Thank you all for your honesty and mutual support. Email: llmshops@gmail.com